I wish I...

I wish I had never known that you died. I wish you had just left me, never to be seen again, for in my imagination I would at least believe that you were alive and well, perhaps living out your dreams with someone else. Knowing that you are dead stifles my ability to live creatively.

I shop around...

I shop around all day, and still, I think of buying you things that I know you would love. You were so careful with money, but I am sure you would have indulged in some of the items I have seen. You were never into fashion, but you would look so handsome in some of the sweaters, shoes, and shirts that I imagine you wearing. I also imagine you wearing nothing. I hope you are giggling like I am.

I hope you...

I hope you are okay, wherever you are. I hope you are surrounded by animals, human and non-human, who love you.

My friend says...

My friend says that I should stop thinking of the loss of you as a wound I constantly cover up with the same old bandage. I guess he's right. It's time to redress the wound to avoid infection.

Thanks for your...

Thanks for your approval.

I have been...

I have been wondering what it must have been like for you knowing that you were going to die? I have been wondering what it must have been like for you to be visited by all these people who wanted to see you one last time. Was it comforting? What did they say to you that could possibly comfort you? Or maybe you had already resigned yourself to death, and you, typically unselfish, were servicing their needs, on display for them to feel good about them.

I am great...

I am great at small talk now.
Sweeping statements flow from my mouth.
No one, except you, would notice the change.

I chitchat because anything
More would
Expose my wounds.

I can't get...

I can't get in touch with you, and I'm struggling. Where are you? The pets don't even seem to miss you, but I do, terribly. Rainy days are the best because I feel like everyone else is closer to understanding how blue I am.

Are you happy...

Are you happy there?
It's sickening to know that you, my love, cannot be here.
You have dodged bullets by not being here.
You have not had to prove your love to me.

Do I join you there?
Do I give you that?
Will I be happy there?
Just you and me? Please? Again?

I am living...

I am living in an existential vacuum with
No attachments to help me clean up the mess.
No one.

I have wondered...

I have wondered for so long...Did you see his face before he killed you? Did you know what was about to happen? Even after all these years I relive your last moments over and over, hoping it happened too quickly for you to be very afraid, praying you knew as you lay in that road dying how much your family loved you. I never looked at him, ever. I stopped hating him a long time ago, because it took too much out of me.

It's been three...

It's been three months since a "monster" attacked you and your sisters. You hung on for a few days but didn't make it. Thank god your sisters survived. I couldn't imagine a triple tragedy. I miss you so much as does the whole family. I'll keep an eye on my brother for you. You have made him a better person and for that I am grateful to you. I have never known pain or grief like this and think of you so often. I will always remember you with love. They say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that. Please tell me who did this to you so he can rot in prison instead of walking around free while you are gone and we are left to suffer.

I still can't...

I still can't forget the phone call and the sound of our stoic father's sobbing voice as he struggled to say, "He died." You have left me not only with beautiful memories, but also with gashes in my heart that I live with daily. I take it out on my wife, my kids, everyone close to me. Sometimes they remember why I am the way I am now. Sometimes I know that they simply hate the man I have become. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen?

When will I...

"When will I hold you again?" is a question I ask myself all the time. "Will I hold you again?" is the question that shortly follows in my mind. We never believed in that religious stuff, but now I wish we had because now I would at least be able to share in the idea of heaven with others who have lost a loved one.

I never asked...

I never asked you how it felt when you were told you were going to die. I didn't want to see your suffering. I didn't want to hear your cries. I just wanted to pretend that nothing would happen, and I am so sorry for not being there.

We are almost...

We are almost there. Thank you for inspiring.

Is it unfaithful...

Is is unfaithful? If the wind knocks the apple off the balcony railing, I'll take that as a "Yes." Thanks for your advice thoughout all the years.

Hi. What's new...

Hi. What's new? Still waiting for a sign.

I want to...

I want to let you go, so that I can move on, but the guilt is so heavy that it knocks me to the ground.

What proof do...

What proof do I have that you exist somewhere else?