grief is good

The Dead - Final Scene

2008-06-01T23:00:00.004-05:00

This is the final post for this blog, the final scene of John Hustons' final film The Dead, which is based on James Joyce's story of the same name. I want to thank all of you who came to visit, and I hope that this message reading and writing has proven to be as productive for you as it has been for me. This has been part of a remarkable process of grief that now involves moving on, even beyond this blog, to further experience life amongst the living.

Take Care,
James Viloria

It's getting easier...

2008-05-25T23:00:00.001-05:00

It's getting easier, and I didn't expect this. I am moving on and happier.

You were the...

2008-05-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

You were the one for me. I can't keep feeling this sad. I'm sorry.

How I forget...

2008-05-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

How I forget that no one can live up to your greatness. No one.

It it's of...

2008-05-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

If it's of any comfort to you, I detest myself.

Three more losses...

2008-04-27T23:00:00.002-05:00

Three more losses since you've left. The saddest part is understanding that I am getting used to it. I feel like childhood purity is gone, and that finally, I am an adult, something I don't enjoy being.

I remember before...

2008-04-20T23:00:00.001-05:00

I remember before you passed away, I said to you as you lay there, "Please don't forget me." Looking back I understand how selfish and irrational those words were. I didn't want to feel like I meant nothing to you. I was so focused on me, and only now, five years later do I understand. Even saying, "I miss you" to you makes me feel like still I can only think of myself, but how else can I express to you that now, more than ever, I am realizing what true love is all about. You, my love, loved me truly.

I am sorry...

2008-04-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

I am sorry. I mourned losing you even before you left, and I made your departure even worse by being self-absorbed in my grief, and by not doing my best to make the situation as comfortable as possible for you. Please forgive me wherever you are.

I would never...

2008-04-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

I would never have believed grief is good in any way, shape or form, until I experienced it at your passing. For three and a half years I was locked in combat with myself, and the world around me as it was changing. Now I have adapted, opened my eyes and learned I am someone different; newer, stronger, wiser and hopefully more loving and compassionate. Thank you for allowing me to experience all I am meant to be. You gave me a little push on this journey I have undertaken and it is so much more than I could ever have envisioned for myself.

Hope always dies...

2008-03-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hope always dies last, even after you my love. I still have hope that you will return.

In some ways...

2008-03-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

In some ways, life is easier without you. There are fewer things to manage, less to spend money on, and not as much to clean up. I still feel your presence everywhere. I guess what I miss the most, however, is the romance - you saying, "I love you," or "Come here honey." With you all the way up in heaven, I feel like I'm in a long-distance one way relationship in which I have to be patient for us to be reunited.

Sweet pea, did...

2008-03-16T23:00:00.001-05:00

Sweet pea, did I kiss you that last morning? Tell you how much I love you? (God, how I love you.) Forgive me - I didn't know it'd be your last day...that you'd always be 6, never 7...in first grade...and that we'd never finish Harry Potter. I didn't know time had run out. Thank you for the peace, strength and purpose you've given me. I'd be a wreck without it.

I am cold...

2008-03-09T23:00:00.003-05:00

I am cold and lonely without you. I miss your sweetness, your everything. I breathe your memory.

I look up...

2008-03-02T23:00:00.002-05:00

I look up to the sky and thank you when good things happen to me. I look up at the sky and ask you for help when bad things happen to me. I am getting used to living with you this way. I like it. Thanks for being there up in the sky.

To the love...

2008-02-24T23:00:00.001-05:00

To the love of my life, I'm still trying to find the pieces to my life, holding on to the precious memories of you and us. You came into my life and only stayed for such a short period of time but you have impacted me so much. I loved you with all my heart, mind, and soul and I know that you did the same. There is no questioning that. You are my angel. If I had one more day with you I would tell you how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. I would wake you up early, go for breakfast together, you would make me laugh and I would say something corny and we would joke around endlessly. I would force you to do something active, you would not like the idea but go along with it because you loved me and that's what you did, to find out later that we would have such a great time. In return, we would watch sports on your big screen TV that you were so proud of and pig out on junk food. And as always I would never want this day to end...I know you are with your dad now, watching over us and protecting us. You will always be in our hearts. I love you.

I have to...

2008-02-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have to say that dealing with your death is relatively easier than dealing with the other ones. Maybe this is because I was able to "practice" grief before losing you. I still miss you, but I am not torn to pieces. I am just injured. I think I'll be okay.

Lost when you...

2008-02-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

Lost when you were here. Lost now forever as far as I know. A short life for you. Did you really ever want to live like everyone else? Did you ever think of anyone else but yourself? I suffered in your shadows, but took care of you with no gratitude required. And you kept taking, never giving unless you wanted a "thank you," or a favor in return. You were a solipsistic, pathetic man. I still hate myself for wasting my time loving you, trying to save you, waiting for you to change. Well, you have changed for sure now, but my feelings have not. Damn you.

My God I...

2008-02-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

My God I can't believe it. I'm sitting here searching the Internet for messages from you. I call your cell phone just to hear your voice. I know that you are free and in a much better place, but I feel so empty inside knowing that you're just not there anymore. I didn't call you enough, didn't show you just how much you mean to me. Please God, let him know how much I loved him. Nobody will ever make me laugh the way you did, the kind of laughing that left my mouth sore. I miss the way you danced around without a care in the world. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

You know that...

2008-01-27T23:00:00.002-05:00

You know that I care for you, even though you are gone. I still worry about you. It's strange, but I hope that wherever you are you are well-protected and surrounded by love as you were here on earth.

We will never...

2008-01-27T23:00:00.001-05:00

We will never know how you died. There was no note, no evidence, nothing but a dead you. How does one reconcile this with moving on? If you could just somehow let me know how it all happened, then maybe I would able to continue on a path that would be more sane and less filled with nightmares of the possibilities.

It's over now....

2008-01-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's over now. You are not here anymore. What do I do with your saxophone?

Messages to return on Sunday, January 27th

2008-01-19T06:46:00.000-05:00

When you died...

2008-01-13T23:00:00.001-05:00

When you died, I began to think of my own mortality, and not a day goes by that I wonder if I will live to see 30. I can't see it, because I can't see surviving without you for much longer.

Many exciting things...

2008-01-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

Many exciting things are happening now. I wish you were here to share with me. We used to have such good times together traveling, watching television, cuddling. I am still angry at him for taking you away from me. If only we hadn't gone out that night. If only we had just decided to stay in and have a perfectly fine and loving time together. Nothing would have happened, and life would be as perfect as it could be with you my love.

I have spent...

2008-01-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have spent my third Thanksgiving and Christmas without you beside me in body. This year we received our first granddaughter on Thanksgiving Eve. It was a time of celebration my love. I celebrated the loves that were, the loves that are, and the loves that will come somewhere again in this universe. I am stronger this holiday season. I grow accustomed to being alone, but I miss you more and more. I feel your presence, I read your notes, look at your picture and talk avidly and lovingly to our granddaughter about you. I know babies this young aren't suppose to smile, but she does every time I mention your name. I think you met her before her descent into this world. My New Year's Resolution is to complete the dollhouse you made me. It will become my project for Eva Grace. She will know you made it and look forward to visiting MiMiM and playing with your dollhouse. What a lovely memory it will make for her! I love you and will meet you again on our star. Keep waiting, keep watching over me, and know I celebrate and miss you daily, my love.

I am lonely...

2007-12-30T23:00:00.004-05:00

I am lonely without you. What more can I say?

The air is...

2007-12-30T23:00:00.003-05:00

The air is still tonight, and I can feel your presence surrounding me. The New Year, I hope, will be happy for me, as you would want it.

Hey there, It...

2007-12-30T23:00:00.002-05:00

Hey there,
It is almost New Year's Eve, and we are going to a party to celebrate. By "we" I mean me and my new "friend." You would like him I think. He is cute, smart, and a little insecure, but he has a great big heart. I don't know if he is the "one," but we certainly get along well. I wish you could meet him and then report back to me. He is really funny. He makes me laugh, and isn't that one of the most important things in a relationship? I think so. I haven't smiled so much in a long time. I'll keep you posted. xo

Last night I...

2007-12-30T23:00:00.001-05:00

Last night I felt you rustling in my bed. I woke up not startled but comforted. Thanks for dropping by, again.

You are my...

2007-12-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

You are my sister, and I love you. May all of your dreams come true wherever you are.

Hi there, Well...

2007-12-23T23:00:00.004-05:00

Hi there,
Well, another Christmas is around the corner, and I miss you. Mind you, I don't miss going all the way to the country to see you. I hated those long trips in the car, but I do miss the feeling of family I had shared with you. There really is no one left except Mom, Dad, and your son. I admit I can't communicate with your husband anymore, especially after he started seeing that woman. I have nothing to say to him. Also, I think that as your son grows older, he'll realize that I am an extension of you, the mother he lost, and we will grow closer, one of these days. You are always with me. Thank you for being there and guiding me along the more often than not challenging path of my life.
With love,
me

You died before...

2007-12-23T23:00:00.003-05:00

You died before you could truly appreciate life at its fullest. An overdose without a letter makes me wonder whether or not you wanted to live at all. I hope to know someday. Perhaps when I die, we will reunite, and you'll be able to explain to me exactly what happened. Until then, I hope that you have the ability to be happy wherever you are. You deserve it.

Dear love, I...

2007-12-23T23:00:00.002-05:00

Dear love,
I don't know where you are in the universe, but I wanted to say that I love you. Perhaps you know this already, perhaps you watch over me and wince every time I say I love you before I go to sleep at night. Maybe you think, poor him, he is so lonely without me. And you would be right. I am very lonely without you. I wish you could help me, extricate me from the pain and suffering. I wish you could hold me again, so tightly.

Greetings, Season's greetings...

2007-12-23T23:00:00.001-05:00

Greetings,
Season's greetings I guess, if you celebrate that stuff wherever you may be. You make me cry you know. I think about you, and I cry, often at the most unpredictable moments, I turn on the waterworks. I manage to hide just in time, most of the time. Sometimes, I just let it show. Everybody knows why. Everybody will always know why.

Closing my eyes...

2007-12-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

Closing my eyes as I write
Sensing you peering over my shoulder
Checking my grammar
Keeping quiet
Respecting my creative process
I feel your breath
And smell your skin
My lover
How I destroy myself
With these thoughts

Messages will be published on 23 December 2007

2007-12-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

The secrets all...

2007-12-09T23:00:00.004-05:00

The secrets all came out after you died, Boy oh boy, did you have a double life. All I can say at this point is goodbye.

I am so angry...

2007-12-09T23:00:00.003-05:00

I am so angry that you left us with such a mess to take care of. I hate you.

Thank you for...

2007-12-09T23:00:00.002-05:00

Thank you for watching over me during the difficult times. You give me strength

I look at...

2007-12-09T23:00:00.001-05:00

I look at your picture every day and I feel comforted by your smile. Thank you.

It's so cold...

2007-12-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's so cold outside now. I wish you were here to cuddle with. I still remember the scent of your warm skin. Ouch.

Yesterday made thirty...

2007-12-02T23:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday made thirty days since you left me. I cannot believe you are gone. I have not been able to visit your grave. I guess I am still waiting for you to walk through the door. I am writing you a letter you will never receive. I wonder to myself what you would think of the things that have happened since the accident. There has been so much pain.

So much of...

2007-12-02T23:00:00.003-05:00

So much of life is about timing. I can't help but think that your stay on earth was badly timed. If you had only been born a little later, you would have had better treatments for your illness, and maybe you would still be alive today. It is continuously hard to accept that you have died.

The holiday season...

2007-12-02T23:00:00.002-05:00

The holiday season brings with it warm memories of you my love. I am so lonely.

I can't watch...

2007-12-02T23:00:00.001-05:00

I can't watch you mow the lawn or shovel the driveway anymore. You were a handsome, dutiful man, and I miss you.

I am finally...

2007-12-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

I am finally learning to take care of myself. I think of how proud you would be of me if you saw how I am confident and happy to take chances again.

I can feel...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.004-05:00

I can feel your presence in the universe and that gives me some comfort, but there is also pain because we cannot be together and share our lives in the way that I had hoped and imagined. My dear, sweet little boy, you shared my body for a short time, but you will be in my heart forever....

This journey from...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.003-05:00

This journey from the depths of sadness to the heights of revelation makes your death acceptable, finally.

Young soldiers like...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.002-05:00

Young soldiers like you continue to be killed every week. So handsome you were in your uniform, waving to us, making us believe that you were all doing what was right and in the interest of humankind. What is right about dying?

I feel you...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.001-05:00

I feel you protecting me from time to time. When you are not there, I know that it's because I have to learn a lesson by myself, for myself. Thank you.

If you hadn't...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.000-05:00

If you hadn't died, I wouldn't have met the second man of my dreams...

I long for...

2007-11-18T23:00:00.004-05:00

I long for the days that we shared without caring about the future. These were the best times of my life, when we didn't feel like anything bad would ever happen. It was you with me, against the rest of the world. I miss you my darling, more than I could have ever imagined.

I am in...

2007-11-18T23:00:00.003-05:00

I am in a state of shock, filled with "could haves," "would haves," and should haves." If only we had more time together. Oh God help me.

Grieving is addictive...

2007-11-18T23:00:00.002-05:00

Grieving is addictive.

You are magical...

2007-11-18T23:00:00.001-05:00

You are magical to me, so magical in fact that you appear sometimes only for a few seconds. Next time this happens, please stay a bit longer?

I hate being...

2007-11-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

I hate being without you.

When I die...

2007-11-11T23:00:00.004-05:00

When I die, my wish is to be with you in Heaven, as we never were on earth. In Heaven, I want to marry you. Do you accept my proposal?

Baby, I think...

2007-11-11T23:00:00.003-05:00

Baby, I think it's time to tell you that I loved you, but that I never knew how to love you. Is this possible? Is it possible to love someone so much and not understand how that person needs to be loved?

I miss you...

2007-11-11T23:00:00.002-05:00

I miss you already. I didn't think it would be this way, but wow! I wish you were still here.

Fleeting was your...

2007-11-11T23:00:00.001-05:00

Fleeting was your existence on this earth, and like the snowflakes that melt before they touch the ground, you have left too soon to make an impact.

You gave me...

2007-11-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

You gave me love I never recognized until long after you died. I gave you what I thought was love, but realize now was selfishness. Lesson learned.

On hiatus this week. New messages next week!

2007-11-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

I believe more...

2007-10-28T23:00:00.004-05:00

I believe more in yesterday than in today.

You were so...

2007-10-28T23:00:00.003-05:00

You were so lovable.

Well, it's over...

2007-10-28T23:00:00.002-05:00

Well, it's over now. You walked away from me at the airport, and that was the last time I saw you. I had a bad feeling about that day. I feel empty now, as if I have vomited every last bit of my insides. I am skin and bones now. I hate eating. It reminds me too much of us - our nights out at our favourite restaurant, or just ordering pizzas and eating them on the bed together watching television. It would pain you to see me in this state. You would force me to eat, to get stronger, and to manage my life in your absence.

I have been...

2007-10-28T23:00:00.001-05:00

I have been dreaming about you all week. Strange, since it has been over two years since you died. It is as if you have stepped into my life for a little visit, and I love it.

You used to...

2007-10-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

You used to say that everything was fixable.

I wished you...

2007-10-21T23:00:00.004-05:00

I wished you were dead for so long, and now it has actually happened. I only feel a little bit guilty because you treated me with such disrespect that I have few feelings left for you. You were a miserable human being who deserved everything you got. Now I can breathe.

You had a...

2007-10-21T23:00:00.003-05:00

You had a good long life, so people say that it's almost acceptable that you passed away. But I didn't have the fortune to know you for long. Your death is not acceptable to me.

Thank you for...

2007-10-21T23:00:00.002-05:00

Thank you for being my friend. Even now I love you still and more than ever. You are always with me.

Grief, unlike you...

2007-10-21T23:00:00.001-05:00

Grief, unlike you, will never die. Only those who have lived through it understand this.

I would have...

2007-10-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

I would have never had to date others because I wouldn't have felt lonely. I am sorry for this. I didn't know you were suffering so much inside. If I could do it all again, I would only be with you.

We mourn our...

2007-10-14T23:00:00.004-05:00

We mourn our dead, even when we attend the funeral of someone we barely know, we bear witness to the grief of those around us, not as voyeurs but as people bound to a common fate.

I never knew...

2007-10-14T23:00:00.003-05:00

I never knew you, but I saw you interviewed in a documentary shortly before you died serving our country overseas. I am writing to tell you that while I admire your patriotism, you should have never gone to war. As you look down upon you grieving family and friends from wherever you are, I hope you understand this now.

I can't believe...

2007-10-14T23:00:00.002-05:00

I can't believe you're gone. I keep thinking that you will walk through the door and say, "Hi everybody!"

This just can't...

2007-10-14T23:00:00.001-05:00

This just can't be happening. It can't be happening. I need you with me now. Please.

The shock of...

2007-10-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

The shock of your death has left me unable to function properly. Words are sounds that do nothing to comfort me.

May you be...

2007-10-07T23:00:00.004-05:00

May you be resting in peace my love.

Dear You, I...

2007-10-07T23:00:00.003-05:00

Dear You,
I have had a hard time accepting that you are gone, and I am almost there. I am feeling good about moving on, although I know I will never forget you. It's hard to think that my memory of you will fade over time. I guess it's natural.

I don't miss...

2007-10-07T23:00:00.002-05:00

I don't miss you that much. I don't miss your lies, your drama, your insecurity. Even your smile I don't miss. Your death, while a tragedy for some, is a relief to me.

I am sorry...

2007-10-07T23:00:00.001-05:00

I am sorry you chose to end your life. My life is not the same without you. Perhaps you didn't think about this when you made the decision to leave this earth, but if you could see now how many people feel such a great loss, then you would understand that you never had to go away.

You never said...

2007-10-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

You never said, "Good-bye," and because of this it's hard for me to move on.

I blow kisses...

2007-09-30T23:00:00.004-05:00

I blow kisses in the wind hoping that they will reach you, and when the wind touches my face, I feel like my kisses have been reciprocated.

Kisses to you...

2007-09-30T23:00:00.003-05:00

Kisses to you wherever you may be!

Good morning and...

2007-09-30T23:00:00.002-05:00

Good morning and good night my love, xo

I hate you...

2007-09-30T23:00:00.001-05:00

I hate you for leaving this earth.

Hi, I am...

2007-09-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hi,
I am finally thinking of selling the house. It just isn't the same without you. I have to move on now. I'm sorry.

Since your death...

2007-09-23T23:00:00.004-05:00

Since your death, there is a dark cloud that follows me around and rains on everything I do and everyone I touch.

I want to...

2007-09-23T23:00:00.003-05:00

I want to join you as soon as possible.

Please let me...

2007-09-23T23:00:00.002-05:00

Please let me know that wherever you are, everything is okay. I worry about you still.

I hope that...

2007-09-23T23:00:00.001-05:00

I hope that you are making people laugh wherever you are. You always loved being the center of attention.

You gave me...

2007-09-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

You gave me the world, and I thank you for that. You gave me misery, and I forgive you for that.

It's weird that...

2007-09-16T23:00:00.004-05:00

It's weird that I will outlive you. I never thought this would happen. I always thought that you would be my older brother. I always thought that you were stronger than I was.

I know I'll...

2007-09-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

I know I'll get over your death. I just don't know when. I feel the pain, and I recognize how it affects everything I do.

Autumn has hit...

2007-09-16T23:00:00.002-05:00

Autumn has hit the city, and I feel more lonely than ever without you. There is no one to keep me warm. I miss your hugs.

If you had...

2007-09-16T23:00:00.001-05:00

If you had only understood how much I loved you, you would have never done what you had done. I am sorry for not being perfect.

I miss the...

2007-09-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

I miss the romance we used to have - the cuddles, the warmth, and the love. I have never felt so tired in my life.

We are taught...

2007-09-09T23:00:00.004-05:00

We are taught how to save, not to lose lives. I am paralyzed not knowing what to do without you.

Well, what can...

2007-09-09T23:00:00.003-05:00

Well, what can I tell you that you haven't probably already witnessed in one way or another. I can tell you that writing to you makes me feel happy, that writing to you makes me feel like you are here with me, and that writing to you makes me feel loved by you again. As painful as it is to know that you are gone, writing to you is a small respite from the terror of grief.

If I could...

2007-09-09T23:00:00.002-05:00

If I could live with you again, I would show you that I am better now. You wouldn't suffer as you did, and you wouldn't kill yourself as you did. Your death punishes me daily.