I am going...

I am going to say some things to you I have never said to you when you were alive. There are so many things to say it is hard to know where to begin. So I guess I will start with the biggest for me. I am gay. I never told you this because we had to live in that perfect house and we had to be your perfect children. Being gay would be less then acceptable to you. I remember when you talked about gay people you thought they were sick. This is how I felt – it made me ashamed, ashamed of who I was and who I am. You always said that I had to find that perfect man, and that I would not (or any woman) would not be able to function, would not be complete, would not be able to stand alone in this world without one. He had to be “Mr. Ken Doll” in your eyes; good looking, well mannered, educated and Catholic. Nothing less would do. Imagine how I felt when I realized that I could not meet your expectations. I felt ashamed, lost, scared and alone. Thank god I had good friends to help me through my coming to terms with my sexuality – at least as much as I could (I guess I am still doing this and if I had to guess, much of this is because of you.) Imagine how it had an impact on our relationship. I felt like I could never share this with you – this huge part of my life. I felt you would never accept it. I thought I would make you ill with worry so I never told you. Instead I hid an enormous part of myself from you. I hid my relationships, I hid my happiness with them and I hid my sadness when things went wrong. You lost half of my life because I could not share with you my fears and my joys. Because of this we never shared many moments of joy, regret, sadness. You were not there to support me when I most needed it. I think it is a shame, it is very sad, so much was lost.