Three more losses...

Three more losses since you've left. The saddest part is understanding that I am getting used to it. I feel like childhood purity is gone, and that finally, I am an adult, something I don't enjoy being.

I remember before...

I remember before you passed away, I said to you as you lay there, "Please don't forget me." Looking back I understand how selfish and irrational those words were. I didn't want to feel like I meant nothing to you. I was so focused on me, and only now, five years later do I understand. Even saying, "I miss you" to you makes me feel like still I can only think of myself, but how else can I express to you that now, more than ever, I am realizing what true love is all about. You, my love, loved me truly.

I am sorry...

I am sorry. I mourned losing you even before you left, and I made your departure even worse by being self-absorbed in my grief, and by not doing my best to make the situation as comfortable as possible for you. Please forgive me wherever you are.

I would never...

I would never have believed grief is good in any way, shape or form, until I experienced it at your passing. For three and a half years I was locked in combat with myself, and the world around me as it was changing. Now I have adapted, opened my eyes and learned I am someone different; newer, stronger, wiser and hopefully more loving and compassionate. Thank you for allowing me to experience all I am meant to be. You gave me a little push on this journey I have undertaken and it is so much more than I could ever have envisioned for myself.