I am lonely...

I am lonely without you. What more can I say?

The air is...

The air is still tonight, and I can feel your presence surrounding me. The New Year, I hope, will be happy for me, as you would want it.

Hey there, It...

Hey there,
It is almost New Year's Eve, and we are going to a party to celebrate. By "we" I mean me and my new "friend." You would like him I think. He is cute, smart, and a little insecure, but he has a great big heart. I don't know if he is the "one," but we certainly get along well. I wish you could meet him and then report back to me. He is really funny. He makes me laugh, and isn't that one of the most important things in a relationship? I think so. I haven't smiled so much in a long time. I'll keep you posted. xo

Last night I...

Last night I felt you rustling in my bed. I woke up not startled but comforted. Thanks for dropping by, again.

You are my...

You are my sister, and I love you. May all of your dreams come true wherever you are.

Hi there, Well...

Hi there,
Well, another Christmas is around the corner, and I miss you. Mind you, I don't miss going all the way to the country to see you. I hated those long trips in the car, but I do miss the feeling of family I had shared with you. There really is no one left except Mom, Dad, and your son. I admit I can't communicate with your husband anymore, especially after he started seeing that woman. I have nothing to say to him. Also, I think that as your son grows older, he'll realize that I am an extension of you, the mother he lost, and we will grow closer, one of these days. You are always with me. Thank you for being there and guiding me along the more often than not challenging path of my life.
With love,
me

You died before...

You died before you could truly appreciate life at its fullest. An overdose without a letter makes me wonder whether or not you wanted to live at all. I hope to know someday. Perhaps when I die, we will reunite, and you'll be able to explain to me exactly what happened. Until then, I hope that you have the ability to be happy wherever you are. You deserve it.

Dear love, I...

Dear love,
I don't know where you are in the universe, but I wanted to say that I love you. Perhaps you know this already, perhaps you watch over me and wince every time I say I love you before I go to sleep at night. Maybe you think, poor him, he is so lonely without me. And you would be right. I am very lonely without you. I wish you could help me, extricate me from the pain and suffering. I wish you could hold me again, so tightly.

Greetings, Season's greetings...

Greetings,
Season's greetings I guess, if you celebrate that stuff wherever you may be. You make me cry you know. I think about you, and I cry, often at the most unpredictable moments, I turn on the waterworks. I manage to hide just in time, most of the time. Sometimes, I just let it show. Everybody knows why. Everybody will always know why.

Closing my eyes...

Closing my eyes as I write
Sensing you peering over my shoulder
Checking my grammar
Keeping quiet
Respecting my creative process
I feel your breath
And smell your skin
My lover
How I destroy myself
With these thoughts

Messages will be published on 23 December 2007

The secrets all...

The secrets all came out after you died, Boy oh boy, did you have a double life. All I can say at this point is goodbye.

I am so angry...

I am so angry that you left us with such a mess to take care of. I hate you.

Thank you for...

Thank you for watching over me during the difficult times. You give me strength

I look at...

I look at your picture every day and I feel comforted by your smile. Thank you.

It's so cold...

It's so cold outside now. I wish you were here to cuddle with. I still remember the scent of your warm skin. Ouch.

Yesterday made thirty...

Yesterday made thirty days since you left me. I cannot believe you are gone. I have not been able to visit your grave. I guess I am still waiting for you to walk through the door. I am writing you a letter you will never receive. I wonder to myself what you would think of the things that have happened since the accident. There has been so much pain.

So much of...

So much of life is about timing. I can't help but think that your stay on earth was badly timed. If you had only been born a little later, you would have had better treatments for your illness, and maybe you would still be alive today. It is continuously hard to accept that you have died.

The holiday season...

The holiday season brings with it warm memories of you my love. I am so lonely.

I can't watch...

I can't watch you mow the lawn or shovel the driveway anymore. You were a handsome, dutiful man, and I miss you.

I am finally...

I am finally learning to take care of myself. I think of how proud you would be of me if you saw how I am confident and happy to take chances again.

I can feel...

I can feel your presence in the universe and that gives me some comfort, but there is also pain because we cannot be together and share our lives in the way that I had hoped and imagined. My dear, sweet little boy, you shared my body for a short time, but you will be in my heart forever....

This journey from...

This journey from the depths of sadness to the heights of revelation makes your death acceptable, finally.

Young soldiers like...

Young soldiers like you continue to be killed every week. So handsome you were in your uniform, waving to us, making us believe that you were all doing what was right and in the interest of humankind. What is right about dying?

I feel you...

I feel you protecting me from time to time. When you are not there, I know that it's because I have to learn a lesson by myself, for myself. Thank you.

If you hadn't...

If you hadn't died, I wouldn't have met the second man of my dreams...

I long for...

I long for the days that we shared without caring about the future. These were the best times of my life, when we didn't feel like anything bad would ever happen. It was you with me, against the rest of the world. I miss you my darling, more than I could have ever imagined.

I am in...

I am in a state of shock, filled with "could haves," "would haves," and should haves." If only we had more time together. Oh God help me.

Grieving is addictive...

Grieving is addictive.

You are magical...

You are magical to me, so magical in fact that you appear sometimes only for a few seconds. Next time this happens, please stay a bit longer?

I hate being...

I hate being without you.

When I die...

When I die, my wish is to be with you in Heaven, as we never were on earth. In Heaven, I want to marry you. Do you accept my proposal?

Baby, I think...

Baby, I think it's time to tell you that I loved you, but that I never knew how to love you. Is this possible? Is it possible to love someone so much and not understand how that person needs to be loved?

I miss you...

I miss you already. I didn't think it would be this way, but wow! I wish you were still here.

Fleeting was your...

Fleeting was your existence on this earth, and like the snowflakes that melt before they touch the ground, you have left too soon to make an impact.

You gave me...

You gave me love I never recognized until long after you died. I gave you what I thought was love, but realize now was selfishness. Lesson learned.

On hiatus this week. New messages next week!

I believe more...

I believe more in yesterday than in today.

You were so...

You were so lovable.

Well, it's over...

Well, it's over now. You walked away from me at the airport, and that was the last time I saw you. I had a bad feeling about that day. I feel empty now, as if I have vomited every last bit of my insides. I am skin and bones now. I hate eating. It reminds me too much of us - our nights out at our favourite restaurant, or just ordering pizzas and eating them on the bed together watching television. It would pain you to see me in this state. You would force me to eat, to get stronger, and to manage my life in your absence.

I have been...

I have been dreaming about you all week. Strange, since it has been over two years since you died. It is as if you have stepped into my life for a little visit, and I love it.

You used to...

You used to say that everything was fixable.

I wished you...

I wished you were dead for so long, and now it has actually happened. I only feel a little bit guilty because you treated me with such disrespect that I have few feelings left for you. You were a miserable human being who deserved everything you got. Now I can breathe.

You had a...

You had a good long life, so people say that it's almost acceptable that you passed away. But I didn't have the fortune to know you for long. Your death is not acceptable to me.

Thank you for...

Thank you for being my friend. Even now I love you still and more than ever. You are always with me.

Grief, unlike you...

Grief, unlike you, will never die. Only those who have lived through it understand this.

I would have...

I would have never had to date others because I wouldn't have felt lonely. I am sorry for this. I didn't know you were suffering so much inside. If I could do it all again, I would only be with you.

We mourn our...

We mourn our dead, even when we attend the funeral of someone we barely know, we bear witness to the grief of those around us, not as voyeurs but as people bound to a common fate.

I never knew...

I never knew you, but I saw you interviewed in a documentary shortly before you died serving our country overseas. I am writing to tell you that while I admire your patriotism, you should have never gone to war. As you look down upon you grieving family and friends from wherever you are, I hope you understand this now.

I can't believe...

I can't believe you're gone. I keep thinking that you will walk through the door and say, "Hi everybody!"

This just can't...

This just can't be happening. It can't be happening. I need you with me now. Please.

The shock of...

The shock of your death has left me unable to function properly. Words are sounds that do nothing to comfort me.

May you be...

May you be resting in peace my love.

Dear You, I...

Dear You,
I have had a hard time accepting that you are gone, and I am almost there. I am feeling good about moving on, although I know I will never forget you. It's hard to think that my memory of you will fade over time. I guess it's natural.

I don't miss...

I don't miss you that much. I don't miss your lies, your drama, your insecurity. Even your smile I don't miss. Your death, while a tragedy for some, is a relief to me.

I am sorry...

I am sorry you chose to end your life. My life is not the same without you. Perhaps you didn't think about this when you made the decision to leave this earth, but if you could see now how many people feel such a great loss, then you would understand that you never had to go away.

You never said...

You never said, "Good-bye," and because of this it's hard for me to move on.

I blow kisses...

I blow kisses in the wind hoping that they will reach you, and when the wind touches my face, I feel like my kisses have been reciprocated.

Kisses to you...

Kisses to you wherever you may be!

Good morning and...

Good morning and good night my love, xo

I hate you...

I hate you for leaving this earth.

Hi, I am...

Hi,
I am finally thinking of selling the house. It just isn't the same without you. I have to move on now. I'm sorry.

Since your death...

Since your death, there is a dark cloud that follows me around and rains on everything I do and everyone I touch.

I want to...

I want to join you as soon as possible.

Please let me...

Please let me know that wherever you are, everything is okay. I worry about you still.

I hope that...

I hope that you are making people laugh wherever you are. You always loved being the center of attention.

You gave me...

You gave me the world, and I thank you for that. You gave me misery, and I forgive you for that.

It's weird that...

It's weird that I will outlive you. I never thought this would happen. I always thought that you would be my older brother. I always thought that you were stronger than I was.

I know I'll...

I know I'll get over your death. I just don't know when. I feel the pain, and I recognize how it affects everything I do.

Autumn has hit...

Autumn has hit the city, and I feel more lonely than ever without you. There is no one to keep me warm. I miss your hugs.

If you had...

If you had only understood how much I loved you, you would have never done what you had done. I am sorry for not being perfect.

I miss the...

I miss the romance we used to have - the cuddles, the warmth, and the love. I have never felt so tired in my life.

We are taught...

We are taught how to save, not to lose lives. I am paralyzed not knowing what to do without you.

Well, what can...

Well, what can I tell you that you haven't probably already witnessed in one way or another. I can tell you that writing to you makes me feel happy, that writing to you makes me feel like you are here with me, and that writing to you makes me feel loved by you again. As painful as it is to know that you are gone, writing to you is a small respite from the terror of grief.

If I could...

If I could live with you again, I would show you that I am better now. You wouldn't suffer as you did, and you wouldn't kill yourself as you did. Your death punishes me daily.

No one has...

No one has touched me since you left.

I am not...

I am not mourning only the loss of you, but also the loss of time, the loss of the past. Our history is now just words, and the future without you is a theory.

I still smell you...

I still smell you
I still hear your laugh in my ear
Your golden rain, your gentle ways.

A rock, a shield, a star.
You still shine to me.

I love you Dad.

I almost walked...

I almost walked into the ocean to be with you. But as the water level reached my chin, I stopped. I thought of the torture of those around me when they would find out. I'm sorry. I can't yet be with you.

Now I see...

Now I see our closeness with the most purity. Now, after the storms have passed, I see what you meant when you said, "I love you." I woke up too late, and now it's too late for you to come back.

I hear your...

I hear your voice helping me through the difficult times. Thanks :)

You never said...

You never said good-bye. And I am happy you didn't. This way I know that you are still with me.

On hiatus this week. New messages next week!

I could be...

I could be having the best time, with friends, family, drinks, music, and then all of a sudden I feel a pang of distress when I remember that you are gone. When will I get over this?

It has been...

It has been two years now since you left. I feel like it gets worse as time goes on. I can still function and the acute pain is gone, but the sky always has at least one cloud in it to remind me that you are dead.

I used to...

I used to be so spontaneous when you were with me. Now, I find myself searching for symbols of permanence to fill the void left by your departure.

I forgive you...

I forgive you for everything you did to me. This is the only way I can move on.

Thank you for...

Thank you for giving me the gift of grief. I have learned so much about myself during this period. Unfortunately you are not here to share what I have learned.

You offered me...

You offered me a life of security, and now the only way for me to feel secure is to pretend that you are still alive, your arms are around me, and your gentle voice is whispering, "You're alright."

I did my...

I did my best to be your prince.

We had many...

We had many misunderstandings, and while the misunderstandings remain with me, so does my eternal love for you.

Against the sky...

Against the sky no longer of this world.

Sunrise irritates me...

Sunrise irritates me and sunset scares me now that you are gone.

Devastating Everyday Always...

Devastating
Everyday
Always
Dead

I need you...

I need you baby. I miss you.

Please protect me...

Please protect me wherever you are.

I know that...

I know that everyday all over the world people die, but you were so special to me. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like you again.

You were the...

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And now you are the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Retirement meant that...

Retirement meant that I would have had more free time to spend with you. So much for that. I spend my time getting rid of your things and preparing for my own departure.

I feel so...

I feel so left behind.

I believe that...

I believe that you will come back to me in one way or another. I know it. I feel it.

I am still...

I am still a dreamer. Day and night, I dream of you.

I almost called...

I almost called you today. I can't believe I still forget that you are gone. I miss you very much with all my heart.

Many years have...

Many years have passed since you left us, Christy. Almost thirty years. I often wonder how you would be now. Would you have married? Would you have had children? I still miss you so much.

I begged God...

I begged God to bring you back, and then I stopped believing in God when you never showed up. I'm sorry. I no longer see the point.

I am still...

I am still waiting for time to heal all wounds.

I hope it's...

I hope it's peaceful wherever you are!

Your passing away...

Your passing away has propelled me to raise money for cancer research. Thanks for always being my inspiration.

You are not...

You are not an angel. You must not be in heaven. You flew too close to the sun and melted your wings.

Remembering you is...

Remembering you is like traveling towards an unknown destination. Those who think of you with nostalgia are tourists, but I am a traveler exploring every crevice of grief.

The business...

The business has been going really well this year. I am wealthy now and unhappier than I have ever been in my entire life. I miss you.

I know you...

I know you did your best to take care of us, but taking care of us is what killed you. And now I wonder if you really even cared about us at all. Some, including you, said you sacrificed so much for us. I say you didn't care about yourself enough to care for us properly. Supporting us was like a tool you used to make you believe that you were important. You took care of us not because you were selfless, but because taking care of us allowed you to focus on us and never look at yourself in the mirror to confront your own demons. If I had known how insecure you were when I first met you, I would have never married you. I hope in your next life you are a confident man, a man who can live life to the fullest, who loves himself, a man who is sensitive, a man who does not spend his days and evenings at the office under the guise of "taking care" of his loved ones. You were not a hero. You were a loser, and I more so for having put up with you all these years.

I hope you...

I hope you get this message somehow. If I could, I would love to send you a birthday present.

No one person...

No one person understands what it is to have lost you. I have come to learn that no one will, and that's okay. But why can't they just let me grieve?

In my quiet...

In my quiet moments, I fear that someone else that I love will pass away. I never want to go through this grief again. I miss you too much.

Flowers grow around...

Flowers grow around your gravestone now. It's almost as if you meant it to be that way. I speak to them as if they were you.

So many men...

So many men resemble you now. Everywhere I look, I see you, my heart skips a beat, and for a split second, I feel hope that all of this was just a mistake.

I still don't...

I still don't believe that you died of natural causes. But no one will confirm my theory. Everyone is being so polite and nice on the surface, but I just know they are hiding something. I wish you could tell me what happened.

You have become...

You have become a pillow.

Every star flies...

Every star flies in a crimson sky where multiple suns and moons live happily together with you in my dreams.

Since you died...

Since you died, I see death everywhere on television, in the news, and in nature. I had never realized how much death surrounded the living and how much we constantly avoid seeing death. We need to stop looking away and face death when we are alive so it won't be so unbearable when someone we love, like you, dies.

You should have...

You should have been more careful. I hate you for only thinking about yourself.

Your killer is...

Your killer is getting what he deserves, and I feel better in a way, but I can never fully trust a man again, no matter how kind he appears to be.

I wish I...

I wish I had never known that you died. I wish you had just left me, never to be seen again, for in my imagination I would at least believe that you were alive and well, perhaps living out your dreams with someone else. Knowing that you are dead stifles my ability to live creatively.

I shop around...

I shop around all day, and still, I think of buying you things that I know you would love. You were so careful with money, but I am sure you would have indulged in some of the items I have seen. You were never into fashion, but you would look so handsome in some of the sweaters, shoes, and shirts that I imagine you wearing. I also imagine you wearing nothing. I hope you are giggling like I am.

I hope you...

I hope you are okay, wherever you are. I hope you are surrounded by animals, human and non-human, who love you.

My friend says...

My friend says that I should stop thinking of the loss of you as a wound I constantly cover up with the same old bandage. I guess he's right. It's time to redress the wound to avoid infection.

Thanks for your...

Thanks for your approval.

I have been...

I have been wondering what it must have been like for you knowing that you were going to die? I have been wondering what it must have been like for you to be visited by all these people who wanted to see you one last time. Was it comforting? What did they say to you that could possibly comfort you? Or maybe you had already resigned yourself to death, and you, typically unselfish, were servicing their needs, on display for them to feel good about them.

I am great...

I am great at small talk now.
Sweeping statements flow from my mouth.
No one, except you, would notice the change.

I chitchat because anything
More would
Expose my wounds.

I can't get...

I can't get in touch with you, and I'm struggling. Where are you? The pets don't even seem to miss you, but I do, terribly. Rainy days are the best because I feel like everyone else is closer to understanding how blue I am.

Are you happy...

Are you happy there?
It's sickening to know that you, my love, cannot be here.
You have dodged bullets by not being here.
You have not had to prove your love to me.

Do I join you there?
Do I give you that?
Will I be happy there?
Just you and me? Please? Again?

I am living...

I am living in an existential vacuum with
No attachments to help me clean up the mess.
No one.

I have wondered...

I have wondered for so long...Did you see his face before he killed you? Did you know what was about to happen? Even after all these years I relive your last moments over and over, hoping it happened too quickly for you to be very afraid, praying you knew as you lay in that road dying how much your family loved you. I never looked at him, ever. I stopped hating him a long time ago, because it took too much out of me.

It's been three...

It's been three months since a "monster" attacked you and your sisters. You hung on for a few days but didn't make it. Thank god your sisters survived. I couldn't imagine a triple tragedy. I miss you so much as does the whole family. I'll keep an eye on my brother for you. You have made him a better person and for that I am grateful to you. I have never known pain or grief like this and think of you so often. I will always remember you with love. They say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that. Please tell me who did this to you so he can rot in prison instead of walking around free while you are gone and we are left to suffer.

I still can't...

I still can't forget the phone call and the sound of our stoic father's sobbing voice as he struggled to say, "He died." You have left me not only with beautiful memories, but also with gashes in my heart that I live with daily. I take it out on my wife, my kids, everyone close to me. Sometimes they remember why I am the way I am now. Sometimes I know that they simply hate the man I have become. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen?

When will I...

"When will I hold you again?" is a question I ask myself all the time. "Will I hold you again?" is the question that shortly follows in my mind. We never believed in that religious stuff, but now I wish we had because now I would at least be able to share in the idea of heaven with others who have lost a loved one.

I never asked...

I never asked you how it felt when you were told you were going to die. I didn't want to see your suffering. I didn't want to hear your cries. I just wanted to pretend that nothing would happen, and I am so sorry for not being there.

We are almost...

We are almost there. Thank you for inspiring.

Is it unfaithful...

Is is unfaithful? If the wind knocks the apple off the balcony railing, I'll take that as a "Yes." Thanks for your advice thoughout all the years.

Hi. What's new...

Hi. What's new? Still waiting for a sign.

I want to...

I want to let you go, so that I can move on, but the guilt is so heavy that it knocks me to the ground.

What proof do...

What proof do I have that you exist somewhere else?

Good night my...

Good night my love. Good night.

It's like an...

It's like an earthquake. There was the initial jolt, then frequent aftershocks, then less frequent aftershocks, and now just waiting in fear. We all miss you.

Five hundred and...

Five hundred and twenty-two days since you left. I'm still waiting for you to come back.

Face to face...

Face to face would be nice
Again to dance with you
My sweet darling
Holding hands
Forever

The madness continues...

The madness continues. I don't know when it will end. I miss you.

It felt like...

It felt like time was coming to an end. All of the struggles involved in accepting the final days had been resolved, and there we sat, a group of us, peacefully enjoying drinks as the sun sank into the crevices of the darkening skyline. We laughed about things you had done, things you had said. A spirit of together held us in place this one last time. I didn't know when I would see everyone again, but I was happy being in this moment, no longer alone, for only a few hours, I was happy.

The words, "She...

The words, "She died," don't do justice to your passing.
The words, "She died," don't explain the sleepless nights, the nightmares when I do sleep, the hypochondria, or the anxiety attacks.
The words, "She died," are for those who don't really want to know that you died.
You know what I mean.

I just don't...

I just don't feel like I fit in.

Hi there, As...

Hi there,
As you may or may not have seen, I'm in trouble. Help me please.

Would you have...

Would you have loved me more if you had known you were going to die?

Control. From your...

Control.
From your death, I have learned that I cannot control everything anymore.
I guess I never could.
I can influence,
but I cannot control.

I have accepted...

I have accepted that I have changed profoundly, that I am a part of a small group of people who "get it." It's frustrating that life can be so socially limited, but I think I can help others who are on their way to "getting it." This is the reward.

Now, your death...

Now, your death feels like it was supposed to happen, unavoidable, essential for me to be who I am now.

I watched the...

I watch the pieces of hair fall onto the floor as the assistant swept them away. Dead pieces of me gone forever. Now if only it were that easy to let you go.

My world is...

My world is a bearable place without you. It has to be.

Announcement - Posting to resume on Sunday 13 May 2007

Please note that I am taking a two-week break from posting.

Thanks to all of you for visiting, contributing messages, and wanting to make a difference.

Posting will resume on Sunday 13 May 2007.

For now, take care.

Your fingers tickled...

Your fingers tickled me.
Your arms carried me.
Your mind protected me.
Your smells comforted me.
Your eyes melted me.
Your death froze me.

Remember when we...

Remember when we were kids in church, and you blew into that empty Chiclets box to make those funny noises? Priceless.

Hello, How are...

Hello,
How are you? Strange question I guess, but I have never been good at small talk. As you probably know, I hate you for leaving me.

I keep seeing...

I keep seeing
Images of you
Running,
Running through wind so
Happy,
Hair floating like a
Halo around your
Beautiful face.

Your passing away...

Your passing away used to control me. Now, it just influences me.

Like a musical...

Like a musical note, piercing and sustained, is the
Pain of loss, the
Fear of degeneration, the
Emptiness without
You.
Like gentle voices, piercing through that note, is the
Comfort of what was,
Before the madness, the
Chaos, and
Death.
Like a wind that blows all the music away is
Everything I hadn't noticed when
Life was a goal, and
You took care of
Me.

I am tired...

I am tired of people who keep asking me if I am alright. They think they are comforting me, but they really are making things worse. I want everyone to leave me alone. Why is it that they all think they know best? They have no idea.

If only you...

If only you could return, as yourself or as someone else, then maybe I could be happy again.

There is no...

There is no point in being proud of anything anymore.

You, alone, are...

You, alone, are my audience.
I speak to you.
You listen to me.
You know everything about me.
You, alone, hold the responsibility
Of keeping me alive.

You did not...

You did not prepare me for dealing with your absence. You never taught me how to deal with the business of life, and you certainly never taught me how to manage the business of death.

The tragedy of...

The tragedy of your passing is obscured by a circus of drama. People who used you in life now pick at your bones. People close to you watched over your wealth while directing your demise.

It's getting easier...

It's getting easier. I feel kind of guilty. It's strange, hey? It's like your death is pulling me in one way, and life is pulling me in the other way. But life is winning at this point. You always needed so much attention from me, and I still feel guilty for not having given you what you needed when you were alive. I was an asshole to you. And now I am afraid of going to hell. I guess the guilt and fear that stay with me is your way of getting back at me. Ha! I hope your smiling up there seeing me struggle. I'm just so scared now.

You were always...

You were always afraid to see yourself. You could look in the mirror, but what you saw was a deflection, not a reflection. Everything was someone else's fault. You thought you had it all figured out. You thought you knew it all. If you had just taken the time to look, to see why you were so stressed out, then maybe you wouldn't have had your heart attack. You ate, drank, and drugged yourself to death, all while convincing yourself that you were "just having fun." We tried to talk to you. We knew you weren't having fun. We knew you were escaping. Perhaps now, you have learned your lesson. Perhaps in your next life, you will know how to see, not just look at, yourself clearly. Perhaps you will be able to love yourself, and, if you're lucky, love someone else. And finally, perhaps you will be able to recognize when someone loves you enough to say goodbye. Goodbye.

I am using...

I am using him to replace you, and I feel guilty. You wouldn't have approved of this kind of behaviour from any of our friends when you were alive. I wouldn't have either. But I feel alone, and so what if I have to sacrifice a lamb who just wants to help me.

When she got...

When she got sick, you were the one who told me she would be fine. You were the one who made me smile every day. I felt comforted by what I perceived to be some superhuman wisdom that you possessed, some insider information that no one else knew about her condition.

But she died. And now you too have left us.

I hope that you and her can meet, wherever you are, because I am sure you would get along with each other very well. Both of you were loving, caring, and beautiful human beings.

Goodbye my love...

Goodbye my love. You have meant more to me than anyone else, and now I must say goodbye. I must let you go. Goodbye.

I wish I...

I wish I knew when I was going to die and finally be reunited with you. It would be easier to plan things. I'm just waiting.

We used to...

We used to sit in our family den listening to "Lovin' You" by Minnie Ripperton over and over and over again, singing the lyrics and challenging our vocal chords every time we got to the highest part following, "Do do do do do." Not only was the song an anthem for us as children, it is a memory of a great vocalist, who inspired the likes of Mariah Carey and died far too prematurely of breast cancer. You, too, died of breast cancer, and the song "Lovin' You" is a constant reminder of the joy I used to experience with you, my defender, when you were alive and well. Just as no remake of the song has been as stellar as the original version, no one has given me the colors and protection that you did when you were alive and well. I still hear the echo of your beautifully shrieking attempts at the upper registers of the song, as well as our uncontrollable laughter after the always inevitable failure of trying to mimic the exceptional range of Minnie Ripperton.

I have been...

I have been looking for the old photograph of you and me on the coast of Rhode Island. You were wearing the Irish fisherman sweater that I gave you. You looked so handsome. I'm wearing the sweater now, and I wish I could find that damned photograph.

Come back to...

Come back to me.

I wonder if...

I wonder if you've changed.
No, I'm sure you have.
I wonder if you have changed in such a significant way
that the light that shone in the corner of the darker pessimistic you
has receded so far that you can no longer turn it up and have it beam
out of you.
I just wonder how much you've changed.
I think I'm going to really miss you when I see you again.

Although I do...

Although I do not fully understand the actual meaning of heaven, it must be where you are.

I am realizing...

I am realizing that I may never feel safe in this world again.

You are lucky...

You are lucky that you never had to experience grief. I had no idea that grief would be a life long process. I thought it would be over after a certain amount of time, but it's not.

You have been...

You have been gone a year. And I have survived. I wasn't sure I would for such a long time. The pain was so deep and intense that I thought it would surely kill me. But it didn't. I know the pain is a part of me now and will be for as long as I live. Just as you are apart of me. I miss you, my love.

I feel so...

I feel so guilty for not having been able to save you. I could have helped. I could have made a difference. How could you have done this without telling me? You have left me in shame. I didn’t deserve this.

Would you have...

Would you have been a good father to me? I'd like to think you would have been? Would you have supported me when I said (or you discovered) any of the following?

I am gay.
I am a writer.
I don't want to go to your homeland because I hate it and, in any case, I am Canadian.
I love him, he makes me happy.

I thought about...

I thought about buying you a birthday present today, and then I remembered you were dead.

Hey Sis, I...

Hey Sis,
I think he's cheating on me. I found a receipt. I know. I shouldn't have sneaked around, but I had my suspicions. I asked him if he ever thought about having a fling, and he said, "No honey, of course not." Ha! The damage is done now, and I, a smiling woman, am apologizing to him for feeling insecure. Sis, I should have died, not you.

Dear Youngest Brother...

Dear Youngest Brother Michael,

It's been 12 years and not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I can remember when I use to babysit you all the time so that Mom could do the cooking. I remember taking you in the stroller for walks to the park with my girlfriend and even though I was only 14 years old, I pretended to be your Mommy. You had grown up so fast, I really don't remember much of your childhood years because I was married at 19 and lived far away. I'm sorry I didn't come by more often, but when I had my two children, Chris and Tom, I know you just loved to be around them. When you were 16 years old, you would throw them on your bed and play softball with them outside, nerf basketball, you could never get enough of them. When it was time for me to leave, you always looked so sad.

At age 20, the night of Halloween, you stopped in to see the boys and were playing with them in their beds. It started to get late, and I showed you a video of the Halloween party the kids had that day. You were mad that you had to work and couldn't be there for it. As you looked into the camera and watched the kids playing, your "laugh" will stay with me the rest of my life. It was time for you to leave, you knowing it was our last night together, and then I asked you what you were doing that night. Do you remember? You didn't answer me, but something told me inside, I knew something was wrong. I asked if everything was ok, and then asked you to be careful and that I loved you. We said our goodnights, I not knowing it was going to be our last.

The next five days, were a nightmare. My mother called me to tell me they didn't know where you were. Your four sisters and one brother all met at the house, worried about you and where you could be. I had work that day, but instead of working I was making flyers that read, "Brother Missing" with your picture on it. Standing at the copy machine, I broke down. That afternoon all of us went to place flyers all around the neighborhood on poles and in windows.

Michael, I don't know why you did what you did. We were such a loving family. I don't understand why you took your own life. We all hugged each other and dropped to the floor when we heard.

I sometimes blame you for my unhappiness right now in my life. Do you know that I am constantly afraid to let my children do things, because I think about you and I worry so much for them.

Did you know that your family is all separated now? Yes, your family has broken apart...we are no longer a happy, loving family. There are times that I feel so much anger inside. Why Michael, Why?? Why did you do it??? Do you know that I miss you so much. Well , the only thing I can do is hold on to that love we had when were all together...a happy, loving family, and until we meet again, I will never be happy.

Your loving sister,
always.

Too damn bad...

Too damn bad it ended that way.

I mean your end. Our end was good. You hugged me tight and said "I love you."

I told you the same.

You gave me the strongest hug ever and I was choked up.

He ran up for "..one last hug!" and you gave that to him.

Then you drove away. The car drove away and you honked continuously. Around the first street, around the corner and I heard it fading into the distance.

The boy and I hugged.

"That's just like her, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that's her!"

That was the last time I heard your voice.

Hi, I am...

Hi, I am okay. I miss you. I love you. I am learning that grief is in a strange kind of way a lot like happiness. Like happiness, grief can be triggered by almost anything. The most intense grief and the most intense happiness are set off by the most unexpected of triggers. Anyway, I am happy, and I am grieving, all at the same time...still.

My friends Faith...

My friends Faith, Hope, and Joy have left the party. Now only Grief and Despair remain. I don’t know how to make them go away.

You had the...

You had the courage to face death but not to live life.

Dear Mom, Hi...

Dear Mom,

Hi. It's been a long time since we last spoke, but only a year since your death by morphine overdose. I won't say it was intentional, because I don't really believe suicide is. Let's just say that I miss you and leave the myths and controversies surrounding the idea of "choice" for the experts to dissect and decide.

First off, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your letters, cards, postcards and packages with gifts for me and Chloe. Instead of seeing them as a loving gesture, I interpreted them as a manipulation an extension of some kind of pattern of abuse, control, valuing and de-valuing. I was scared.

In fact, the last letter you sent, the one where you said your heart was broken and you wouldn't be sending letters or packages anymore -- that one I cried. There's a little tear stain on it still where the ink-jet printer ink pic of the candles were. I knew you meant it, and still I didn't write or call.

I was going to wait you out.

I wanted you to know that I was serious -- that I was in charge of my life, not you. That your methods of intimidation, guilt-tripping and flat-out bribery hadn't worked.

But they had. I was just waiting so you wouldn't think that. I guess I just wanted to save my pride. I'm sorry for that.

In fact, I'm sorry for so much more -- for all the things I never did. For all the empty promises and selfish actions. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I let you down.

I was scared that you would judge me. You see, Chloe has brain damage. And, it was caused by her new-born jaundice. It wasn't anything we knew about, but it could have been prevented if we did. I thought you would say "Well, you really f-ed up.", just like you did when Keith died of a heroin overdose. I thought you would smear it in my face. I couldn't stand the thought -- and I wanted to get her well first.

And there were other reasons. Each time I thought about contacting you, I imagined you hurting me, or rejecting me, or coming up with some terse response to break my heart or try to destroy me. I kept thinking "I HATE her so much!!".

2 weeks before you died I thought, "No, I LOVE her."

I went to Tim and said, "It's MY TRUTH that I need to talk with her".

And he agreed if it was that important that I should contact you.

Did I mention that I was pregnant?

Yep, I had another one!! She's a doll -- and no brain damage. We got her jaundice treated properly and she's doing so well. I've been giving her lots of hugs and love since you didn't get much from Grandma.

I just want you to know that I love you, Mom. It wasn't for lack of love that I didn't write to you - it was lack of skill. That and everyone advising me not to.

I've learned to follow my own truth now, though, at least hopefully I have.

So, now you don't just have a birthday, you've got a deathday to celebrate and yours is coming up this weekend. I've been thinking about joining you -- but the girls would miss me too much. I know you'd be upset if I left them. You stuck around for me and Rebecca, and that's what I'll do, too.

Thanks for listening. I keep thinking about Coos Bay and driving down to the bay and eating McDonalds together looking at the water. I wish we'd never moved. I wish you'd never gotten married again -- that it could have just been us all those years. Maybe you wished that, too. :)

Anyway, I love you, Mom. Happy Deathday!! Tell Gamma and Grandpa "Hi" and that I love them, too. Please come visit in ghost-form if you can this weekend. I've been pretty sad, sleeping a lot, and it would definitely cheer me up.

Love and kisses!!
~Peaches

Knock, knock...

Knock, knock…

You've been gone...

You've been gone a little over a week now but it feels so much longer. We're all kind of getting by here, doing what we can to help each other out, sorting out feelings and such as we attempt to go about our day to day. My son is doing well. He's closing in on 9lbs and I'm afraid to report he has my temper! I think you experienced that on more than one occasion as I did yours. He's a good kid, and I'll be telling him all about you in years to come. We've had a stretch of hot weather lately. I know how much you liked that. We keep him stripped down to his diaper as there's no air conditioning in our current apartment. I'm happy to say that he has got some great and gifted cousins to watch him grow and help him along his way. If I could ask for anything, it would be your gentle manner, deep understanding, and your ability to guide as I take my own steps into fatherhood. Please check in with me from time to time. My dreams are always open.

If you knew...

If you knew what I was going through right now, what would you say?

It's snowing now...

It's snowing now. Big fluffy flakes. It's beautiful. All I need now is some drug to enhance the intoxication I already feel after just having seen someone who looks remarkably like you. I love you.

I would like...

I would like to write you a message, but I don't know what to say, except that writing to you would mean that I have accepted that you have died.

Don't worry. I...

Don’t worry. I think your son will remember you very well. He has already bought flowers for you. I don’t know what it will be like for him growing up without you as his mother, but I see you in him, the same smile, the same pensiveness, the same quiet demeanor.

I am going...

I am going to say some things to you I have never said to you when you were alive. There are so many things to say it is hard to know where to begin. So I guess I will start with the biggest for me. I am gay. I never told you this because we had to live in that perfect house and we had to be your perfect children. Being gay would be less then acceptable to you. I remember when you talked about gay people you thought they were sick. This is how I felt – it made me ashamed, ashamed of who I was and who I am. You always said that I had to find that perfect man, and that I would not (or any woman) would not be able to function, would not be complete, would not be able to stand alone in this world without one. He had to be “Mr. Ken Doll” in your eyes; good looking, well mannered, educated and Catholic. Nothing less would do. Imagine how I felt when I realized that I could not meet your expectations. I felt ashamed, lost, scared and alone. Thank god I had good friends to help me through my coming to terms with my sexuality – at least as much as I could (I guess I am still doing this and if I had to guess, much of this is because of you.) Imagine how it had an impact on our relationship. I felt like I could never share this with you – this huge part of my life. I felt you would never accept it. I thought I would make you ill with worry so I never told you. Instead I hid an enormous part of myself from you. I hid my relationships, I hid my happiness with them and I hid my sadness when things went wrong. You lost half of my life because I could not share with you my fears and my joys. Because of this we never shared many moments of joy, regret, sadness. You were not there to support me when I most needed it. I think it is a shame, it is very sad, so much was lost.

I am less...

I am less afraid of death now knowing that you have already been through it. Maybe my own death will bring me to the same place you are. My life is simply now comprised of waiting to die.

I am moving...

I am moving beyond my grief (at last) and my focus has shifted away from the past and to the future. Not that I have forgotten you, but the pain is gone and has been replaced by memories, and the recognition that your legacy lives on in our kids and in my life.

I'm glad you're...

I’m glad you’re dead.

I returned from a family vacation to an email from my estranged brother. “I have sad news” it started solemnly. You, my iconic stepmother, had died in your sleep, recently after you had started taking heart medication. I quickly formulated a theory – what happens to someone who takes medication for an organ they do not have?

I called my brother and worked hard to excise the glee from my voice. I felt shackles loosen, years of abuse and restraint lift and I felt peaceful, and happy. I spoke with my brother while gesticulating with joy to my husband that you were finally gone. It was and is very simple: I am glad you are dead.

After our conversation, I got ready and left for work. I wanted to do something to celebrate, like jump in the pool, race golf carts or at least smash some balls around -- tennis or golf -- I wasn’t particular. I was free.

Several months later I saw my brother for the first time in 10 years. I mentioned my theory about heart medication killing someone without one and he, as always competitive, said, “I can do you one better.”

My husband asked, “Does it come from the Wizard of Oz?”

“Ding dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the witch is dead.”

In fact, I had heard the same music in my mind playing when i read the “sad” news.

I hope you’re dancing in your grave.

I've had a...

I've had a great year! And I intend on having great years each and every year for the rest of my life as I know it, just as I admire each of you for doing. Afterwards, if I have the chance, I'll make the most of whatever there is and would be thrilled to get together if that's at all remotely possible. Just in case, happy New Year to all of you!

When I first...

When I first saw you, I tried to communicate with you in my own way, even though I knew that you would most probably not understand me. So here is my second chance. I want to convey to you that I understand what it is to feel abused, helpless, and fearful of human beings. You deserved freedom and joy, not death, but at least death has left you free of the unaddressed fundamental injustices that continue among the living.

I hope you...

I hope you are happy and healthy where you are. Thank you for being who you were and forgive me for not being the best person all the time to you. Next time we meet, I promise to be better. I miss you very much.

In the imposed...

In the imposed chaos of everyday life, I wonder how many of your loved ones have braved the deepest territories of grief. I resent the ones who say they have moved on. I don’t believe them, but I don’t know how to help them.

I lost the...

I lost the bracelet you made me for my birthday. I'm sorry. I miss you and I miss my bracelet.

For months now...

For months now, I have been asking myself why did you have to die. Why? Why? Why? I couldn’t come up with any answers that satisfied me. This afternoon as I was walking down the street admiring the setting sun, I wondered whether it would be sunny, cloudy, cold, or warm tomorrow. It occurred to me then that I live with uncertainty all the time in daily life. I will never know why you were taken away from us, and I am only beginning to understand that not knowing is just a part of life. Not every “Why?” can be answered. It’s just so unfortunate that you had to die for me to figure this out.

I don't know...

I don’t know if you ever discovered that I had betrayed you. In any case, I am sorry. I was younger then, and I didn’t love myself enough to think that you or anyone else could love me. I was immature. I thought only of myself. Your picture hangs on my wall as a shrine to my love for you and as a reminder to never betray someone I love again.

I lost you...

I lost you twice. The first time I thought that was it. You had disappeared for such a long time that we assumed the worst. I was young, confused, and finally resigned to the fact that I would live without you. I saw mother’s profound sadness, and I decided to live my pain in silence without asking too many questions. Moreover, the subject of you was taboo, evocative of a sad part of our life that each of us was trying to forget or from which we were attempting to alleviate the pain.

The second time, I didn’t believe it. How could life be so cruel? You had survived such hardship. We had only just begun to catch up. I was terribly shy to find myself with a father I didn’t know, and you overtaken by life itself with its daily household problems, divorce, and us, two young adolescents. Your death, the real one, was more brutal for me this time.

In both cases, casual goodbyes, inconsequential goodbyes filled with the promise of seeing each other once again. Never farewell.

I would have loved so much to have known you better, and through me you might have seen a bit of yourself. I think of you sometimes and of what could have been, but not too often. It’s pointless.

I am still a little incensed by everything that has happened, but I imagine that it will all pass one day. I just wanted to let you know.

Often, I wish...

Often, I wish I were dead like you. Life is a mess. No one I know is happy. Everyone I know is trying to be happy. I feel not only the loss of you, but also that of hope for a better life. In the darkness of my world, you were the only light.

I dial your...

I dial your number repeatedly and reflexively, always stopping short of the last digit. Although I know you cannot physically answer, I always wonder how the conversation would unfold if you could. "Hi sweetie, it's good to hear from you..." You were always so happy to hear my voice, always ready to hear my concerns. Should I have realized sooner that something was wrong when you stopped sharing your own concerns? In the past, my timid attempts to ask about your health were always met by quick words of reassurance. Maybe if I had been more forceful, more inquisitive, I could have intervened.

Would I have had the strength to ask you all of the questions I was afraid to ask when you were alive? What aspect of your disease troubled you the most? Were you tired of living? Why could you not tell anyone that you had made up your mind?

The last thing you said to me was that you were afraid. Why did you choose to die if you were so frightened?

I fear and do not understand my own mortality. What you did, was brave.

I remember waiting...

I remember waiting for you to come back from work, to take me to the park, or to baseball games, for long walks and ice cream, or to the movies....

As the years went by, I felt that you were fading away from the family. You always wanted to be alone, watching television in a closed room.

You were smiling, laughing and talking with people outside of our home, but as soon as you came back to the house, you would shut down again.

What happened to those happy earlier days? Did you really love us?

I can barely...

I can barely take care of myself, and I don't know what to do. I am considering seeing a therapist. I feel so broken without you.

I don't know...

I don't know where you are, but when I see birds flying in the sky, I sometimes think that one of them is you, with a set of new friends and family, but still watching over me from above. Sometimes I even wave to a bird if I sense it is you.

It is amazing...

It is amazing that 25 years have gone by and that I have managed to do quite well with my life, even without you to watch over me. I am sorry that you did not get to meet my husband, who is the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful guy in the world. You would have liked him. I am sorry also that instead of kidding with you all the time the way we did, I did not get to tell you face to face how much I loved you and how much I admired you. And that is still with me, in my heart, to this day. Please continue to watch over me from your vantage point, and be assured that I love you, even after 25 years of you being in heaven.

Because of your...

Because of your example, I have a strong work ethic, the ability to make good friends, and lots of hobbies. Thank you for giving me these things – they have been invaluable in dealing with my loss.

I still want...

I still want to pick up the phone to tell you something, or ask for your advice. I wish I knew how to reach you.

I often hear...

I often hear myself say something that you would say, and I realize that you'll always be inside of me.

You will influence...

You will influence me for the rest of my life, and I don't think I could say that if you were still alive.

Thank you eternally...

Thank you eternally for sharing your life and friendship with me in such a special way.
Things fall together sometimes - like people do.
I dream ... I believe ...

I am so...

I am so sorry that I let my stubbornness contribute to our lack of contact over the past while. That is our ebb and flow, but it is so heartbreakingly painful to me right now. We can't hug one more time in this world, but I believe that we'll meet again somewhere and we'll both be happy. Until then I'll keep all of your countless wonders with me always in my heart.

We've had an...

We've had an intense relationship for eight years now. I am so privileged to have been able to spend such formative years with you. I learned so much about life and love from you, and you helped me in so many important ways to become the person that I am today. We complemented each other so well as people, and in such an exhilarating way, that it often scared me to think about it. I was never sure just how much either of us was joking when we talked about our telepathy.

I have moved...

I have moved on. I am strong enough to have accepted everything and live with what I have, my children. Not that I have forgotten you, but I enjoy what I am left with.

I get along...

I get along without you very well.

I wish we...

I wish we could talk. I miss the time we used to spend together; we always had so much fun. You were like a sister to me.

In my dreams...

In my dreams I see your face and it is beautiful. I hear your laugh and I laugh. I feel your generous spirit and it comforts me. In reality I sense a hole: Life without you in it.

Today is your...

Today is your birthday. I bought flowers, white carnations that you used to love so much.

Thank you for...

Thank you for the courage you showed up to the last moments. I consider this to be the final gift that I received from you.

Living by your...

Living by your example, people think highly of me.

If you can...

If you can hear me, please give me a sign.

Everyone tells me...

Everyone tells me that I should slow down and take care of myself. Every time I slow down, I think of you, and it kills me.

Why did you...

Why did you leave?

I watched you...

I watched you recede, paralyzed by the encroaching darkness, keeping my distance for fear of being pulled into the vortex of your demise. Your end casts long shadows. I am haunted by the knowledge that I will never again see your form upon this earth and racked by the guilt of having survived you. I am bent by the weight of your passing and broken by the knowledge that I will join you.

You were my...

You were my greatest fan!

It's so hard...

It’s so hard getting over your death, the absence of you. Some people tell me you are in heaven. I suppose anything is possible. But as much as I try to believe that you are somewhere out there beyond your ashes, I can’t.