Sunday, June 1, 2008

The Dead - Final Scene



This is the final post for this blog, the final scene of John Hustons' final film The Dead, which is based on James Joyce's story of the same name. I want to thank all of you who came to visit, and I hope that this message reading and writing has proven to be as productive for you as it has been for me. This has been part of a remarkable process of grief that now involves moving on, even beyond this blog, to further experience life amongst the living.

Take Care,
James Viloria

Sunday, May 25, 2008

It's getting easier...

It's getting easier, and I didn't expect this. I am moving on and happier.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

You were the...

You were the one for me. I can't keep feeling this sad. I'm sorry.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

How I forget...

How I forget that no one can live up to your greatness. No one.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

It it's of...

If it's of any comfort to you, I detest myself.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Three more losses...

Three more losses since you've left. The saddest part is understanding that I am getting used to it. I feel like childhood purity is gone, and that finally, I am an adult, something I don't enjoy being.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I remember before...

I remember before you passed away, I said to you as you lay there, "Please don't forget me." Looking back I understand how selfish and irrational those words were. I didn't want to feel like I meant nothing to you. I was so focused on me, and only now, five years later do I understand. Even saying, "I miss you" to you makes me feel like still I can only think of myself, but how else can I express to you that now, more than ever, I am realizing what true love is all about. You, my love, loved me truly.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I am sorry...

I am sorry. I mourned losing you even before you left, and I made your departure even worse by being self-absorbed in my grief, and by not doing my best to make the situation as comfortable as possible for you. Please forgive me wherever you are.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I would never...

I would never have believed grief is good in any way, shape or form, until I experienced it at your passing. For three and a half years I was locked in combat with myself, and the world around me as it was changing. Now I have adapted, opened my eyes and learned I am someone different; newer, stronger, wiser and hopefully more loving and compassionate. Thank you for allowing me to experience all I am meant to be. You gave me a little push on this journey I have undertaken and it is so much more than I could ever have envisioned for myself.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Hope always dies...

Hope always dies last, even after you my love. I still have hope that you will return.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

In some ways...

In some ways, life is easier without you. There are fewer things to manage, less to spend money on, and not as much to clean up. I still feel your presence everywhere. I guess what I miss the most, however, is the romance - you saying, "I love you," or "Come here honey." With you all the way up in heaven, I feel like I'm in a long-distance one way relationship in which I have to be patient for us to be reunited.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sweet pea, did...

Sweet pea, did I kiss you that last morning? Tell you how much I love you? (God, how I love you.) Forgive me - I didn't know it'd be your last day...that you'd always be 6, never 7...in first grade...and that we'd never finish Harry Potter. I didn't know time had run out. Thank you for the peace, strength and purpose you've given me. I'd be a wreck without it.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

I am cold...

I am cold and lonely without you. I miss your sweetness, your everything. I breathe your memory.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I look up...

I look up to the sky and thank you when good things happen to me. I look up at the sky and ask you for help when bad things happen to me. I am getting used to living with you this way. I like it. Thanks for being there up in the sky.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

To the love...

To the love of my life, I'm still trying to find the pieces to my life, holding on to the precious memories of you and us. You came into my life and only stayed for such a short period of time but you have impacted me so much. I loved you with all my heart, mind, and soul and I know that you did the same. There is no questioning that. You are my angel. If I had one more day with you I would tell you how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. I would wake you up early, go for breakfast together, you would make me laugh and I would say something corny and we would joke around endlessly. I would force you to do something active, you would not like the idea but go along with it because you loved me and that's what you did, to find out later that we would have such a great time. In return, we would watch sports on your big screen TV that you were so proud of and pig out on junk food. And as always I would never want this day to end...I know you are with your dad now, watching over us and protecting us. You will always be in our hearts. I love you.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I have to...

I have to say that dealing with your death is relatively easier than dealing with the other ones. Maybe this is because I was able to "practice" grief before losing you. I still miss you, but I am not torn to pieces. I am just injured. I think I'll be okay.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Lost when you...

Lost when you were here. Lost now forever as far as I know. A short life for you. Did you really ever want to live like everyone else? Did you ever think of anyone else but yourself? I suffered in your shadows, but took care of you with no gratitude required. And you kept taking, never giving unless you wanted a "thank you," or a favor in return. You were a solipsistic, pathetic man. I still hate myself for wasting my time loving you, trying to save you, waiting for you to change. Well, you have changed for sure now, but my feelings have not. Damn you.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My God I...

My God I can't believe it. I'm sitting here searching the Internet for messages from you. I call your cell phone just to hear your voice. I know that you are free and in a much better place, but I feel so empty inside knowing that you're just not there anymore. I didn't call you enough, didn't show you just how much you mean to me. Please God, let him know how much I loved him. Nobody will ever make me laugh the way you did, the kind of laughing that left my mouth sore. I miss the way you danced around without a care in the world. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

You know that...

You know that I care for you, even though you are gone. I still worry about you. It's strange, but I hope that wherever you are you are well-protected and surrounded by love as you were here on earth.

We will never...

We will never know how you died. There was no note, no evidence, nothing but a dead you. How does one reconcile this with moving on? If you could just somehow let me know how it all happened, then maybe I would able to continue on a path that would be more sane and less filled with nightmares of the possibilities.

It's over now....

It's over now. You are not here anymore. What do I do with your saxophone?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

When you died...

When you died, I began to think of my own mortality, and not a day goes by that I wonder if I will live to see 30. I can't see it, because I can't see surviving without you for much longer.

Many exciting things...

Many exciting things are happening now. I wish you were here to share with me. We used to have such good times together traveling, watching television, cuddling. I am still angry at him for taking you away from me. If only we hadn't gone out that night. If only we had just decided to stay in and have a perfectly fine and loving time together. Nothing would have happened, and life would be as perfect as it could be with you my love.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I have spent...

I have spent my third Thanksgiving and Christmas without you beside me in body. This year we received our first granddaughter on Thanksgiving Eve. It was a time of celebration my love. I celebrated the loves that were, the loves that are, and the loves that will come somewhere again in this universe. I am stronger this holiday season. I grow accustomed to being alone, but I miss you more and more. I feel your presence, I read your notes, look at your picture and talk avidly and lovingly to our granddaughter about you. I know babies this young aren't suppose to smile, but she does every time I mention your name. I think you met her before her descent into this world. My New Year's Resolution is to complete the dollhouse you made me. It will become my project for Eva Grace. She will know you made it and look forward to visiting MiMiM and playing with your dollhouse. What a lovely memory it will make for her! I love you and will meet you again on our star. Keep waiting, keep watching over me, and know I celebrate and miss you daily, my love.