Dear Youngest Brother...

Dear Youngest Brother Michael,

It's been 12 years and not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I can remember when I use to babysit you all the time so that Mom could do the cooking. I remember taking you in the stroller for walks to the park with my girlfriend and even though I was only 14 years old, I pretended to be your Mommy. You had grown up so fast, I really don't remember much of your childhood years because I was married at 19 and lived far away. I'm sorry I didn't come by more often, but when I had my two children, Chris and Tom, I know you just loved to be around them. When you were 16 years old, you would throw them on your bed and play softball with them outside, nerf basketball, you could never get enough of them. When it was time for me to leave, you always looked so sad.

At age 20, the night of Halloween, you stopped in to see the boys and were playing with them in their beds. It started to get late, and I showed you a video of the Halloween party the kids had that day. You were mad that you had to work and couldn't be there for it. As you looked into the camera and watched the kids playing, your "laugh" will stay with me the rest of my life. It was time for you to leave, you knowing it was our last night together, and then I asked you what you were doing that night. Do you remember? You didn't answer me, but something told me inside, I knew something was wrong. I asked if everything was ok, and then asked you to be careful and that I loved you. We said our goodnights, I not knowing it was going to be our last.

The next five days, were a nightmare. My mother called me to tell me they didn't know where you were. Your four sisters and one brother all met at the house, worried about you and where you could be. I had work that day, but instead of working I was making flyers that read, "Brother Missing" with your picture on it. Standing at the copy machine, I broke down. That afternoon all of us went to place flyers all around the neighborhood on poles and in windows.

Michael, I don't know why you did what you did. We were such a loving family. I don't understand why you took your own life. We all hugged each other and dropped to the floor when we heard.

I sometimes blame you for my unhappiness right now in my life. Do you know that I am constantly afraid to let my children do things, because I think about you and I worry so much for them.

Did you know that your family is all separated now? Yes, your family has broken apart...we are no longer a happy, loving family. There are times that I feel so much anger inside. Why Michael, Why?? Why did you do it??? Do you know that I miss you so much. Well , the only thing I can do is hold on to that love we had when were all together...a happy, loving family, and until we meet again, I will never be happy.

Your loving sister,
always.