I am lonely...

I am lonely without you. What more can I say?

The air is...

The air is still tonight, and I can feel your presence surrounding me. The New Year, I hope, will be happy for me, as you would want it.

Hey there, It...

Hey there,
It is almost New Year's Eve, and we are going to a party to celebrate. By "we" I mean me and my new "friend." You would like him I think. He is cute, smart, and a little insecure, but he has a great big heart. I don't know if he is the "one," but we certainly get along well. I wish you could meet him and then report back to me. He is really funny. He makes me laugh, and isn't that one of the most important things in a relationship? I think so. I haven't smiled so much in a long time. I'll keep you posted. xo

Last night I...

Last night I felt you rustling in my bed. I woke up not startled but comforted. Thanks for dropping by, again.

You are my...

You are my sister, and I love you. May all of your dreams come true wherever you are.

Hi there, Well...

Hi there,
Well, another Christmas is around the corner, and I miss you. Mind you, I don't miss going all the way to the country to see you. I hated those long trips in the car, but I do miss the feeling of family I had shared with you. There really is no one left except Mom, Dad, and your son. I admit I can't communicate with your husband anymore, especially after he started seeing that woman. I have nothing to say to him. Also, I think that as your son grows older, he'll realize that I am an extension of you, the mother he lost, and we will grow closer, one of these days. You are always with me. Thank you for being there and guiding me along the more often than not challenging path of my life.
With love,
me

You died before...

You died before you could truly appreciate life at its fullest. An overdose without a letter makes me wonder whether or not you wanted to live at all. I hope to know someday. Perhaps when I die, we will reunite, and you'll be able to explain to me exactly what happened. Until then, I hope that you have the ability to be happy wherever you are. You deserve it.

Dear love, I...

Dear love,
I don't know where you are in the universe, but I wanted to say that I love you. Perhaps you know this already, perhaps you watch over me and wince every time I say I love you before I go to sleep at night. Maybe you think, poor him, he is so lonely without me. And you would be right. I am very lonely without you. I wish you could help me, extricate me from the pain and suffering. I wish you could hold me again, so tightly.

Greetings, Season's greetings...

Greetings,
Season's greetings I guess, if you celebrate that stuff wherever you may be. You make me cry you know. I think about you, and I cry, often at the most unpredictable moments, I turn on the waterworks. I manage to hide just in time, most of the time. Sometimes, I just let it show. Everybody knows why. Everybody will always know why.

Closing my eyes...

Closing my eyes as I write
Sensing you peering over my shoulder
Checking my grammar
Keeping quiet
Respecting my creative process
I feel your breath
And smell your skin
My lover
How I destroy myself
With these thoughts

Messages will be published on 23 December 2007

The secrets all...

The secrets all came out after you died, Boy oh boy, did you have a double life. All I can say at this point is goodbye.

I am so angry...

I am so angry that you left us with such a mess to take care of. I hate you.

Thank you for...

Thank you for watching over me during the difficult times. You give me strength

I look at...

I look at your picture every day and I feel comforted by your smile. Thank you.

It's so cold...

It's so cold outside now. I wish you were here to cuddle with. I still remember the scent of your warm skin. Ouch.

Yesterday made thirty...

Yesterday made thirty days since you left me. I cannot believe you are gone. I have not been able to visit your grave. I guess I am still waiting for you to walk through the door. I am writing you a letter you will never receive. I wonder to myself what you would think of the things that have happened since the accident. There has been so much pain.

So much of...

So much of life is about timing. I can't help but think that your stay on earth was badly timed. If you had only been born a little later, you would have had better treatments for your illness, and maybe you would still be alive today. It is continuously hard to accept that you have died.

The holiday season...

The holiday season brings with it warm memories of you my love. I am so lonely.

I can't watch...

I can't watch you mow the lawn or shovel the driveway anymore. You were a handsome, dutiful man, and I miss you.

I am finally...

I am finally learning to take care of myself. I think of how proud you would be of me if you saw how I am confident and happy to take chances again.

I can feel...

I can feel your presence in the universe and that gives me some comfort, but there is also pain because we cannot be together and share our lives in the way that I had hoped and imagined. My dear, sweet little boy, you shared my body for a short time, but you will be in my heart forever....

This journey from...

This journey from the depths of sadness to the heights of revelation makes your death acceptable, finally.

Young soldiers like...

Young soldiers like you continue to be killed every week. So handsome you were in your uniform, waving to us, making us believe that you were all doing what was right and in the interest of humankind. What is right about dying?

I feel you...

I feel you protecting me from time to time. When you are not there, I know that it's because I have to learn a lesson by myself, for myself. Thank you.

If you hadn't...

If you hadn't died, I wouldn't have met the second man of my dreams...

I long for...

I long for the days that we shared without caring about the future. These were the best times of my life, when we didn't feel like anything bad would ever happen. It was you with me, against the rest of the world. I miss you my darling, more than I could have ever imagined.

I am in...

I am in a state of shock, filled with "could haves," "would haves," and should haves." If only we had more time together. Oh God help me.

Grieving is addictive...

Grieving is addictive.

You are magical...

You are magical to me, so magical in fact that you appear sometimes only for a few seconds. Next time this happens, please stay a bit longer?

I hate being...

I hate being without you.

When I die...

When I die, my wish is to be with you in Heaven, as we never were on earth. In Heaven, I want to marry you. Do you accept my proposal?

Baby, I think...

Baby, I think it's time to tell you that I loved you, but that I never knew how to love you. Is this possible? Is it possible to love someone so much and not understand how that person needs to be loved?

I miss you...

I miss you already. I didn't think it would be this way, but wow! I wish you were still here.

Fleeting was your...

Fleeting was your existence on this earth, and like the snowflakes that melt before they touch the ground, you have left too soon to make an impact.

You gave me...

You gave me love I never recognized until long after you died. I gave you what I thought was love, but realize now was selfishness. Lesson learned.

On hiatus this week. New messages next week!

I believe more...

I believe more in yesterday than in today.

You were so...

You were so lovable.

Well, it's over...

Well, it's over now. You walked away from me at the airport, and that was the last time I saw you. I had a bad feeling about that day. I feel empty now, as if I have vomited every last bit of my insides. I am skin and bones now. I hate eating. It reminds me too much of us - our nights out at our favourite restaurant, or just ordering pizzas and eating them on the bed together watching television. It would pain you to see me in this state. You would force me to eat, to get stronger, and to manage my life in your absence.

I have been...

I have been dreaming about you all week. Strange, since it has been over two years since you died. It is as if you have stepped into my life for a little visit, and I love it.

You used to...

You used to say that everything was fixable.

I wished you...

I wished you were dead for so long, and now it has actually happened. I only feel a little bit guilty because you treated me with such disrespect that I have few feelings left for you. You were a miserable human being who deserved everything you got. Now I can breathe.

You had a...

You had a good long life, so people say that it's almost acceptable that you passed away. But I didn't have the fortune to know you for long. Your death is not acceptable to me.

Thank you for...

Thank you for being my friend. Even now I love you still and more than ever. You are always with me.

Grief, unlike you...

Grief, unlike you, will never die. Only those who have lived through it understand this.

I would have...

I would have never had to date others because I wouldn't have felt lonely. I am sorry for this. I didn't know you were suffering so much inside. If I could do it all again, I would only be with you.

We mourn our...

We mourn our dead, even when we attend the funeral of someone we barely know, we bear witness to the grief of those around us, not as voyeurs but as people bound to a common fate.

I never knew...

I never knew you, but I saw you interviewed in a documentary shortly before you died serving our country overseas. I am writing to tell you that while I admire your patriotism, you should have never gone to war. As you look down upon you grieving family and friends from wherever you are, I hope you understand this now.

I can't believe...

I can't believe you're gone. I keep thinking that you will walk through the door and say, "Hi everybody!"

This just can't...

This just can't be happening. It can't be happening. I need you with me now. Please.

The shock of...

The shock of your death has left me unable to function properly. Words are sounds that do nothing to comfort me.

May you be...

May you be resting in peace my love.

Dear You, I...

Dear You,
I have had a hard time accepting that you are gone, and I am almost there. I am feeling good about moving on, although I know I will never forget you. It's hard to think that my memory of you will fade over time. I guess it's natural.

I don't miss...

I don't miss you that much. I don't miss your lies, your drama, your insecurity. Even your smile I don't miss. Your death, while a tragedy for some, is a relief to me.

I am sorry...

I am sorry you chose to end your life. My life is not the same without you. Perhaps you didn't think about this when you made the decision to leave this earth, but if you could see now how many people feel such a great loss, then you would understand that you never had to go away.

You never said...

You never said, "Good-bye," and because of this it's hard for me to move on.

I blow kisses...

I blow kisses in the wind hoping that they will reach you, and when the wind touches my face, I feel like my kisses have been reciprocated.

Kisses to you...

Kisses to you wherever you may be!

Good morning and...

Good morning and good night my love, xo