Retirement meant that...

Retirement meant that I would have had more free time to spend with you. So much for that. I spend my time getting rid of your things and preparing for my own departure.

I feel so...

I feel so left behind.

I believe that...

I believe that you will come back to me in one way or another. I know it. I feel it.

I am still...

I am still a dreamer. Day and night, I dream of you.

I almost called...

I almost called you today. I can't believe I still forget that you are gone. I miss you very much with all my heart.

Many years have...

Many years have passed since you left us, Christy. Almost thirty years. I often wonder how you would be now. Would you have married? Would you have had children? I still miss you so much.

I begged God...

I begged God to bring you back, and then I stopped believing in God when you never showed up. I'm sorry. I no longer see the point.

I am still...

I am still waiting for time to heal all wounds.

I hope it's...

I hope it's peaceful wherever you are!

Your passing away...

Your passing away has propelled me to raise money for cancer research. Thanks for always being my inspiration.

You are not...

You are not an angel. You must not be in heaven. You flew too close to the sun and melted your wings.

Remembering you is...

Remembering you is like traveling towards an unknown destination. Those who think of you with nostalgia are tourists, but I am a traveler exploring every crevice of grief.

The business...

The business has been going really well this year. I am wealthy now and unhappier than I have ever been in my entire life. I miss you.

I know you...

I know you did your best to take care of us, but taking care of us is what killed you. And now I wonder if you really even cared about us at all. Some, including you, said you sacrificed so much for us. I say you didn't care about yourself enough to care for us properly. Supporting us was like a tool you used to make you believe that you were important. You took care of us not because you were selfless, but because taking care of us allowed you to focus on us and never look at yourself in the mirror to confront your own demons. If I had known how insecure you were when I first met you, I would have never married you. I hope in your next life you are a confident man, a man who can live life to the fullest, who loves himself, a man who is sensitive, a man who does not spend his days and evenings at the office under the guise of "taking care" of his loved ones. You were not a hero. You were a loser, and I more so for having put up with you all these years.

I hope you...

I hope you get this message somehow. If I could, I would love to send you a birthday present.

No one person...

No one person understands what it is to have lost you. I have come to learn that no one will, and that's okay. But why can't they just let me grieve?

In my quiet...

In my quiet moments, I fear that someone else that I love will pass away. I never want to go through this grief again. I miss you too much.

Flowers grow around...

Flowers grow around your gravestone now. It's almost as if you meant it to be that way. I speak to them as if they were you.

So many men...

So many men resemble you now. Everywhere I look, I see you, my heart skips a beat, and for a split second, I feel hope that all of this was just a mistake.

I still don't...

I still don't believe that you died of natural causes. But no one will confirm my theory. Everyone is being so polite and nice on the surface, but I just know they are hiding something. I wish you could tell me what happened.

You have become...

You have become a pillow.

Every star flies...

Every star flies in a crimson sky where multiple suns and moons live happily together with you in my dreams.

Since you died...

Since you died, I see death everywhere on television, in the news, and in nature. I had never realized how much death surrounded the living and how much we constantly avoid seeing death. We need to stop looking away and face death when we are alive so it won't be so unbearable when someone we love, like you, dies.

You should have...

You should have been more careful. I hate you for only thinking about yourself.

Your killer is...

Your killer is getting what he deserves, and I feel better in a way, but I can never fully trust a man again, no matter how kind he appears to be.

I wish I...

I wish I had never known that you died. I wish you had just left me, never to be seen again, for in my imagination I would at least believe that you were alive and well, perhaps living out your dreams with someone else. Knowing that you are dead stifles my ability to live creatively.

I shop around...

I shop around all day, and still, I think of buying you things that I know you would love. You were so careful with money, but I am sure you would have indulged in some of the items I have seen. You were never into fashion, but you would look so handsome in some of the sweaters, shoes, and shirts that I imagine you wearing. I also imagine you wearing nothing. I hope you are giggling like I am.

I hope you...

I hope you are okay, wherever you are. I hope you are surrounded by animals, human and non-human, who love you.

My friend says...

My friend says that I should stop thinking of the loss of you as a wound I constantly cover up with the same old bandage. I guess he's right. It's time to redress the wound to avoid infection.

Thanks for your...

Thanks for your approval.

I have been...

I have been wondering what it must have been like for you knowing that you were going to die? I have been wondering what it must have been like for you to be visited by all these people who wanted to see you one last time. Was it comforting? What did they say to you that could possibly comfort you? Or maybe you had already resigned yourself to death, and you, typically unselfish, were servicing their needs, on display for them to feel good about them.

I am great...

I am great at small talk now.
Sweeping statements flow from my mouth.
No one, except you, would notice the change.

I chitchat because anything
More would
Expose my wounds.

I can't get...

I can't get in touch with you, and I'm struggling. Where are you? The pets don't even seem to miss you, but I do, terribly. Rainy days are the best because I feel like everyone else is closer to understanding how blue I am.

Are you happy...

Are you happy there?
It's sickening to know that you, my love, cannot be here.
You have dodged bullets by not being here.
You have not had to prove your love to me.

Do I join you there?
Do I give you that?
Will I be happy there?
Just you and me? Please? Again?

I am living...

I am living in an existential vacuum with
No attachments to help me clean up the mess.
No one.

I have wondered...

I have wondered for so long...Did you see his face before he killed you? Did you know what was about to happen? Even after all these years I relive your last moments over and over, hoping it happened too quickly for you to be very afraid, praying you knew as you lay in that road dying how much your family loved you. I never looked at him, ever. I stopped hating him a long time ago, because it took too much out of me.

It's been three...

It's been three months since a "monster" attacked you and your sisters. You hung on for a few days but didn't make it. Thank god your sisters survived. I couldn't imagine a triple tragedy. I miss you so much as does the whole family. I'll keep an eye on my brother for you. You have made him a better person and for that I am grateful to you. I have never known pain or grief like this and think of you so often. I will always remember you with love. They say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that. Please tell me who did this to you so he can rot in prison instead of walking around free while you are gone and we are left to suffer.

I still can't...

I still can't forget the phone call and the sound of our stoic father's sobbing voice as he struggled to say, "He died." You have left me not only with beautiful memories, but also with gashes in my heart that I live with daily. I take it out on my wife, my kids, everyone close to me. Sometimes they remember why I am the way I am now. Sometimes I know that they simply hate the man I have become. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen?

When will I...

"When will I hold you again?" is a question I ask myself all the time. "Will I hold you again?" is the question that shortly follows in my mind. We never believed in that religious stuff, but now I wish we had because now I would at least be able to share in the idea of heaven with others who have lost a loved one.

I never asked...

I never asked you how it felt when you were told you were going to die. I didn't want to see your suffering. I didn't want to hear your cries. I just wanted to pretend that nothing would happen, and I am so sorry for not being there.

We are almost...

We are almost there. Thank you for inspiring.

Is it unfaithful...

Is is unfaithful? If the wind knocks the apple off the balcony railing, I'll take that as a "Yes." Thanks for your advice thoughout all the years.

Hi. What's new...

Hi. What's new? Still waiting for a sign.

I want to...

I want to let you go, so that I can move on, but the guilt is so heavy that it knocks me to the ground.

What proof do...

What proof do I have that you exist somewhere else?

Good night my...

Good night my love. Good night.

It's like an...

It's like an earthquake. There was the initial jolt, then frequent aftershocks, then less frequent aftershocks, and now just waiting in fear. We all miss you.

Five hundred and...

Five hundred and twenty-two days since you left. I'm still waiting for you to come back.

Face to face...

Face to face would be nice
Again to dance with you
My sweet darling
Holding hands
Forever

The madness continues...

The madness continues. I don't know when it will end. I miss you.

It felt like...

It felt like time was coming to an end. All of the struggles involved in accepting the final days had been resolved, and there we sat, a group of us, peacefully enjoying drinks as the sun sank into the crevices of the darkening skyline. We laughed about things you had done, things you had said. A spirit of together held us in place this one last time. I didn't know when I would see everyone again, but I was happy being in this moment, no longer alone, for only a few hours, I was happy.

The words, "She...

The words, "She died," don't do justice to your passing.
The words, "She died," don't explain the sleepless nights, the nightmares when I do sleep, the hypochondria, or the anxiety attacks.
The words, "She died," are for those who don't really want to know that you died.
You know what I mean.

I just don't...

I just don't feel like I fit in.

Hi there, As...

Hi there,
As you may or may not have seen, I'm in trouble. Help me please.

Would you have...

Would you have loved me more if you had known you were going to die?

Control. From your...

Control.
From your death, I have learned that I cannot control everything anymore.
I guess I never could.
I can influence,
but I cannot control.

I have accepted...

I have accepted that I have changed profoundly, that I am a part of a small group of people who "get it." It's frustrating that life can be so socially limited, but I think I can help others who are on their way to "getting it." This is the reward.

Now, your death...

Now, your death feels like it was supposed to happen, unavoidable, essential for me to be who I am now.

I watched the...

I watch the pieces of hair fall onto the floor as the assistant swept them away. Dead pieces of me gone forever. Now if only it were that easy to let you go.

My world is...

My world is a bearable place without you. It has to be.