I wish I...

I wish I had never known that you died. I wish you had just left me, never to be seen again, for in my imagination I would at least believe that you were alive and well, perhaps living out your dreams with someone else. Knowing that you are dead stifles my ability to live creatively.

I shop around...

I shop around all day, and still, I think of buying you things that I know you would love. You were so careful with money, but I am sure you would have indulged in some of the items I have seen. You were never into fashion, but you would look so handsome in some of the sweaters, shoes, and shirts that I imagine you wearing. I also imagine you wearing nothing. I hope you are giggling like I am.

I hope you...

I hope you are okay, wherever you are. I hope you are surrounded by animals, human and non-human, who love you.

My friend says...

My friend says that I should stop thinking of the loss of you as a wound I constantly cover up with the same old bandage. I guess he's right. It's time to redress the wound to avoid infection.

Thanks for your...

Thanks for your approval.

I have been...

I have been wondering what it must have been like for you knowing that you were going to die? I have been wondering what it must have been like for you to be visited by all these people who wanted to see you one last time. Was it comforting? What did they say to you that could possibly comfort you? Or maybe you had already resigned yourself to death, and you, typically unselfish, were servicing their needs, on display for them to feel good about them.

I am great...

I am great at small talk now.
Sweeping statements flow from my mouth.
No one, except you, would notice the change.

I chitchat because anything
More would
Expose my wounds.

I can't get...

I can't get in touch with you, and I'm struggling. Where are you? The pets don't even seem to miss you, but I do, terribly. Rainy days are the best because I feel like everyone else is closer to understanding how blue I am.

Are you happy...

Are you happy there?
It's sickening to know that you, my love, cannot be here.
You have dodged bullets by not being here.
You have not had to prove your love to me.

Do I join you there?
Do I give you that?
Will I be happy there?
Just you and me? Please? Again?

I am living...

I am living in an existential vacuum with
No attachments to help me clean up the mess.
No one.

I have wondered...

I have wondered for so long...Did you see his face before he killed you? Did you know what was about to happen? Even after all these years I relive your last moments over and over, hoping it happened too quickly for you to be very afraid, praying you knew as you lay in that road dying how much your family loved you. I never looked at him, ever. I stopped hating him a long time ago, because it took too much out of me.

It's been three...

It's been three months since a "monster" attacked you and your sisters. You hung on for a few days but didn't make it. Thank god your sisters survived. I couldn't imagine a triple tragedy. I miss you so much as does the whole family. I'll keep an eye on my brother for you. You have made him a better person and for that I am grateful to you. I have never known pain or grief like this and think of you so often. I will always remember you with love. They say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that. Please tell me who did this to you so he can rot in prison instead of walking around free while you are gone and we are left to suffer.

I still can't...

I still can't forget the phone call and the sound of our stoic father's sobbing voice as he struggled to say, "He died." You have left me not only with beautiful memories, but also with gashes in my heart that I live with daily. I take it out on my wife, my kids, everyone close to me. Sometimes they remember why I am the way I am now. Sometimes I know that they simply hate the man I have become. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen?

When will I...

"When will I hold you again?" is a question I ask myself all the time. "Will I hold you again?" is the question that shortly follows in my mind. We never believed in that religious stuff, but now I wish we had because now I would at least be able to share in the idea of heaven with others who have lost a loved one.

I never asked...

I never asked you how it felt when you were told you were going to die. I didn't want to see your suffering. I didn't want to hear your cries. I just wanted to pretend that nothing would happen, and I am so sorry for not being there.

We are almost...

We are almost there. Thank you for inspiring.

Is it unfaithful...

Is is unfaithful? If the wind knocks the apple off the balcony railing, I'll take that as a "Yes." Thanks for your advice thoughout all the years.

Hi. What's new...

Hi. What's new? Still waiting for a sign.

I want to...

I want to let you go, so that I can move on, but the guilt is so heavy that it knocks me to the ground.

What proof do...

What proof do I have that you exist somewhere else?

Good night my...

Good night my love. Good night.

It's like an...

It's like an earthquake. There was the initial jolt, then frequent aftershocks, then less frequent aftershocks, and now just waiting in fear. We all miss you.

Five hundred and...

Five hundred and twenty-two days since you left. I'm still waiting for you to come back.

Face to face...

Face to face would be nice
Again to dance with you
My sweet darling
Holding hands
Forever

The madness continues...

The madness continues. I don't know when it will end. I miss you.

It felt like...

It felt like time was coming to an end. All of the struggles involved in accepting the final days had been resolved, and there we sat, a group of us, peacefully enjoying drinks as the sun sank into the crevices of the darkening skyline. We laughed about things you had done, things you had said. A spirit of together held us in place this one last time. I didn't know when I would see everyone again, but I was happy being in this moment, no longer alone, for only a few hours, I was happy.

The words, "She...

The words, "She died," don't do justice to your passing.
The words, "She died," don't explain the sleepless nights, the nightmares when I do sleep, the hypochondria, or the anxiety attacks.
The words, "She died," are for those who don't really want to know that you died.
You know what I mean.

I just don't...

I just don't feel like I fit in.

Hi there, As...

Hi there,
As you may or may not have seen, I'm in trouble. Help me please.

Would you have...

Would you have loved me more if you had known you were going to die?

Control. From your...

Control.
From your death, I have learned that I cannot control everything anymore.
I guess I never could.
I can influence,
but I cannot control.

I have accepted...

I have accepted that I have changed profoundly, that I am a part of a small group of people who "get it." It's frustrating that life can be so socially limited, but I think I can help others who are on their way to "getting it." This is the reward.

Now, your death...

Now, your death feels like it was supposed to happen, unavoidable, essential for me to be who I am now.

I watched the...

I watch the pieces of hair fall onto the floor as the assistant swept them away. Dead pieces of me gone forever. Now if only it were that easy to let you go.

My world is...

My world is a bearable place without you. It has to be.

Announcement - Posting to resume on Sunday 13 May 2007

Please note that I am taking a two-week break from posting.

Thanks to all of you for visiting, contributing messages, and wanting to make a difference.

Posting will resume on Sunday 13 May 2007.

For now, take care.

Your fingers tickled...

Your fingers tickled me.
Your arms carried me.
Your mind protected me.
Your smells comforted me.
Your eyes melted me.
Your death froze me.

Remember when we...

Remember when we were kids in church, and you blew into that empty Chiclets box to make those funny noises? Priceless.

Hello, How are...

Hello,
How are you? Strange question I guess, but I have never been good at small talk. As you probably know, I hate you for leaving me.

I keep seeing...

I keep seeing
Images of you
Running,
Running through wind so
Happy,
Hair floating like a
Halo around your
Beautiful face.

Your passing away...

Your passing away used to control me. Now, it just influences me.

Like a musical...

Like a musical note, piercing and sustained, is the
Pain of loss, the
Fear of degeneration, the
Emptiness without
You.
Like gentle voices, piercing through that note, is the
Comfort of what was,
Before the madness, the
Chaos, and
Death.
Like a wind that blows all the music away is
Everything I hadn't noticed when
Life was a goal, and
You took care of
Me.

I am tired...

I am tired of people who keep asking me if I am alright. They think they are comforting me, but they really are making things worse. I want everyone to leave me alone. Why is it that they all think they know best? They have no idea.

If only you...

If only you could return, as yourself or as someone else, then maybe I could be happy again.

There is no...

There is no point in being proud of anything anymore.

You, alone, are...

You, alone, are my audience.
I speak to you.
You listen to me.
You know everything about me.
You, alone, hold the responsibility
Of keeping me alive.

You did not...

You did not prepare me for dealing with your absence. You never taught me how to deal with the business of life, and you certainly never taught me how to manage the business of death.

The tragedy of...

The tragedy of your passing is obscured by a circus of drama. People who used you in life now pick at your bones. People close to you watched over your wealth while directing your demise.

It's getting easier...

It's getting easier. I feel kind of guilty. It's strange, hey? It's like your death is pulling me in one way, and life is pulling me in the other way. But life is winning at this point. You always needed so much attention from me, and I still feel guilty for not having given you what you needed when you were alive. I was an asshole to you. And now I am afraid of going to hell. I guess the guilt and fear that stay with me is your way of getting back at me. Ha! I hope your smiling up there seeing me struggle. I'm just so scared now.

You were always...

You were always afraid to see yourself. You could look in the mirror, but what you saw was a deflection, not a reflection. Everything was someone else's fault. You thought you had it all figured out. You thought you knew it all. If you had just taken the time to look, to see why you were so stressed out, then maybe you wouldn't have had your heart attack. You ate, drank, and drugged yourself to death, all while convincing yourself that you were "just having fun." We tried to talk to you. We knew you weren't having fun. We knew you were escaping. Perhaps now, you have learned your lesson. Perhaps in your next life, you will know how to see, not just look at, yourself clearly. Perhaps you will be able to love yourself, and, if you're lucky, love someone else. And finally, perhaps you will be able to recognize when someone loves you enough to say goodbye. Goodbye.

I am using...

I am using him to replace you, and I feel guilty. You wouldn't have approved of this kind of behaviour from any of our friends when you were alive. I wouldn't have either. But I feel alone, and so what if I have to sacrifice a lamb who just wants to help me.

When she got...

When she got sick, you were the one who told me she would be fine. You were the one who made me smile every day. I felt comforted by what I perceived to be some superhuman wisdom that you possessed, some insider information that no one else knew about her condition.

But she died. And now you too have left us.

I hope that you and her can meet, wherever you are, because I am sure you would get along with each other very well. Both of you were loving, caring, and beautiful human beings.

Goodbye my love...

Goodbye my love. You have meant more to me than anyone else, and now I must say goodbye. I must let you go. Goodbye.

I wish I...

I wish I knew when I was going to die and finally be reunited with you. It would be easier to plan things. I'm just waiting.

We used to...

We used to sit in our family den listening to "Lovin' You" by Minnie Ripperton over and over and over again, singing the lyrics and challenging our vocal chords every time we got to the highest part following, "Do do do do do." Not only was the song an anthem for us as children, it is a memory of a great vocalist, who inspired the likes of Mariah Carey and died far too prematurely of breast cancer. You, too, died of breast cancer, and the song "Lovin' You" is a constant reminder of the joy I used to experience with you, my defender, when you were alive and well. Just as no remake of the song has been as stellar as the original version, no one has given me the colors and protection that you did when you were alive and well. I still hear the echo of your beautifully shrieking attempts at the upper registers of the song, as well as our uncontrollable laughter after the always inevitable failure of trying to mimic the exceptional range of Minnie Ripperton.

I have been...

I have been looking for the old photograph of you and me on the coast of Rhode Island. You were wearing the Irish fisherman sweater that I gave you. You looked so handsome. I'm wearing the sweater now, and I wish I could find that damned photograph.

Come back to...

Come back to me.

I wonder if...

I wonder if you've changed.
No, I'm sure you have.
I wonder if you have changed in such a significant way
that the light that shone in the corner of the darker pessimistic you
has receded so far that you can no longer turn it up and have it beam
out of you.
I just wonder how much you've changed.
I think I'm going to really miss you when I see you again.

Although I do...

Although I do not fully understand the actual meaning of heaven, it must be where you are.

I am realizing...

I am realizing that I may never feel safe in this world again.